Albus Dumbledore
The Secret Garden
Image © 2006 by ginny WEEZLEY
The Secret Garden
Image © 2006 by ginny WEEZLEY
* = post-OOP
**=post-HBP
***=post-DH
Copyright 2001, 2005 by Caius Marcius, except My Name is Albus Copyright 2002 by Kit; Eccentric Copyright 2002 by Nicole Lyon; Dumbledore!Simpson's Filk Copyright 2003 by Pickle Jimmy; You're Immortal Copyright 2003 by GiNnY; Good Headmaster Dumbledore Copyright 2003 by Gail; The Old Man Who Runs the School Copyright 2004 by Mariner; I Love This School Copyright 2004 by Jason LeBouef; He's Albus Dumbledore Copyright 2004 by Richard; A Visit From St. Nick Copyright 2005 by The Dark Evil One; Hey, Al Copyright 2008 by The Final Stillness of Saturn
A filk by Kit to the tune of My Name is Jonas by Weezer, the greatest band of all time
THE SCENE: Well, it's sung by Dumbledore, and it has to be after Book Four.
DUMBLEDORE:
My name is Albus
I'm carrying this school
Though I'm in my hundreds
The kids still think I'm cool
Wizards respect thee
I've saved their country
More than once, I'd say
Voldemort's afraid of me
Recall way back when
Grindelwald was in ken?
No, well that's because
I long ago defeated him
The Hogwarts train comes right on time
The watch it is run by is mine
My methods can be seen as crazed
The Ministry repects my ways
My name is Albus
Solemn tunes I enjoy
I love chamber music
Sung by two Weasley boys
Dementors won't do
Won't watch them glide by
At the Quidditch match
Get them off my grounds
What do I conceive
For my Christmas Day?
Plenty of warm socks
So my feet are smothered
Recent events might get me canned
The school might be out of my hands
But men will still follow my path
Once Voldemort's unleashed his wrath
The Ministry's free to roam
But soon they'll be coming home
I'll lead my own war with pride
In the end we're on the same side
But soon they'll be coming home
Soon they'll be coming home
Soon they'll be coming home
My name is Albus
A filk by Richard to the tune of He's Misstra Know-It-All, by Stevie Wonder
He's a man,
With a plan,
Got a twelve-inch birch wand in his hand,
He's Albus Dumbledore
He's feared,
He's revered,
Got a long white flowing six-foot beard,
He's Albus Dumbledore
He can fly,
What a guy,
Got a kind little twinkle in his eye,
He's Albus Dumbledore
Must be seen,
In his robes,
What he wears beneath them, no one knows,
He's Albus Dumbledore
If you tell him he's getting too old,
He will say "why yes, I am,
If you had my kind of gold,
You'd have no care that's worth a damn," oh
Oou...oou...oou oou...oou...
This Castle,
It is his,
His only concern is for all the kids,
He's Albus Dumbledore
He will pay,
House Elves too,
He's the kind of dude that takes care of you,
He's Albus Dumbledore
When you tell him the Dark Lord's back,
He will come up with a plan,
And nobody would fear attack,
If he kicks Voldemort from these lands, oh oh-
Oou...oou...oou oou...oou...
He's a man,
With a plan,
Got a twelve-inch birch wand in his hand,
He's Albus Dumbledore.
Take my word,
Malfoy beware,
Of a man who gives Voldemort a scare, yea-
He's Albus Dumbledore
(Look out he's coming)
Dum bum bum ba bum bum,
Dum bum bum ba bum bum
Bum bum bum bum bum Say
He's Albus Dumbledore
All Wizards
Praise this man,
Take your hat off to the man who's got the plan,
He's Albus Dumbledore.
All Students shake the hand ,
Of the man who's got the plan,
He's Albus Dumbledore
Give a hand to the man,
Don't you know darn well he's got the super plan,
He's Albus Dumbledore
Give a hand to the man,
You know damn well he's got the super plan,
He's Albus Dumbledore
If we had less of Voldy,
Don't you know we'd have a better la-a-and,
He's Albus Dumbledore
So give a hand to the man,
Although you've worked as hard as you can
He's Albus Dumbledore
Check his spells out
He'll tell it all
Hey
Voldemort's gone and worried me to death
He's Albus Dumbledore
Fade
A filk by Nicole Lyon to the tune of Ironic by Alanis Morissette
Enter DUMBLEDORE, resplendent in scarlet robes as he stands with his hands behind his back, staring contemplatively out of his office window.
DUMBLEDORE:
An old wiz, greatest alive
Done work with alchemy and blood of dragons
I'm a wise old guy, beat Dark Lords' minions
Defeated Grindlewald back in '45
But aren't I eccentric…don't you think?
Told Harry I really like socks
My fave room is chock full o' chamber pots
I really enjoy those sherbet lemon drops
I'm one crazy guy..ravin' mad
Got a pet phoenix by the name of Fawkes
To teach DADA class, hired that Goldilocks
Told Pomfrey she had to let a big black dog
Stand guard by Harry's bed. She thought,
"Well isn't he odd?"
And aren't I eccentric…don't you think?
Repeat chorus
Well I have a funny way of allowing children
Who are young to face grave danger and then hoping for the best
And I have a funny way of preparing them and
Then when everything's gone wrong hoping it won't blow up
In my face
And is it a plan made by the author
Is it possible it's MAGIC DISHWASHER?
Could I be yet one more, a surprise animagus?
If so, could it be my name's Fawkes
My supposed loyal pet phoenix
And aren't I eccentric…don't you think?
A little too eccentric…I'm really crazy
Repeat chorus
And yeah well I have a funny way of risking these
children
And I have a funny, funny way of preparing them
Preparing them
A filk by Pickle Jimmy to the tune of Homer's Softball song from The Simpsons
Well Dumbledore had done it,
The Side of Right had won it,
With Lucius Malfoy cursing all the while
Death Eaters being captured made us smile
And Fudge still saying "Nothing's wrong" in total denial
We're talking Hogwarts...
Hagrid and Hermione
Talking Hogwarts...
Neville, Ron and Dobby
Harry proved his courage in the war
Black and Snape still fighting like before
Where talking Lupin... Fawkes and Dumbledore.
To the tune of Pinball Wizard, from The Who's Tommy
THE SCENE: Before Hogwarts Castle. Enter HARRY
HARRY
He came here as a young boy
And he is now silver-haired
He's the Headmaster at Hogwarts
He's a man beyond compare
He doesn't micromanage
Yet you see his hand in all
That deft Dumbledore guy
Is always right on the ball!
He found a use for dragon's blood
To be exact, there's twelve.
He puts werewolves on the payroll
He writes paychecks for the elves
He pushed Malfoy into checkmate
He runs circles around Fudge
That deft Dumbledore guy
Is someone you can't misjudge!
He's a thin tall wizard
He is the very best!
A thin tall wizard
There is simply no contest!
Why do you think he does it? You should know!
He's a force for Good!
After mom and dad were murdered
He dropped me off on Privet Drive,
But, hey, nobody's perfect,
The main thing's that I now thrive
He guides me to maturity
With each striking epigram
That deft Dumbledore guy
Follows a great lesson plan!
He's a thin tall wizard
I just tell it like it is
A thin tall wizard
Both a wizard and a whiz
He can seem daft and doddering
Match the geezer stereotype
But when there's need for action
He lives up to all his hype
What he did to Grindelwald
He'll do to Voldemort
That deft Dumbledore guy'll
Use Voldy to mop up the floor!
He's a thin tall wizard
A man who really rocks
A thin tall wizard
Let's hope he gets those socks!
He's Dumbledore! He's Dumbledore!
They once called me the Heir of Slytherin
But I'd be proud to be the heir of him
To the tune of Hoagy Carmichael's In the Cool Cool Cool of the Evening
The Scene: Before the office of the Hogwarts Headmaster Albus Dumbledore. Enter his two most enthusiastic disciples, RUBEUS HAGRID & HARRY POTTER
BOTH
It's cool, cool cool in the office of Albus Dumbledore
It's full of magical treasures from the ceiling to the floor
You never know what you'll find there when you open up his door
HAGRID
Come on in for peek
As we quietly sneak
Past his paintings as they snore.
HARRY (taking the SORTING HAT off a shelf)
Here is the sorting hat
It may look sorta flat
But it put each kid where he belongs
SORTING HAT
I might not be made of silk
But I know the wizard ilk
I even do my own filksongs
HARRY
This hat assisted greatly
In Riddle's secret den
SORTING HAT
And I have told you lately
How great you'd do in Slytherin?
HARRY turns the hat inside-out, and throws it back on the shelf
BOTH
It's cool, cool, cool in the office of Albus Dumbledore
No matter how often we come here, there's more things to explore
The only thing that it's lacking is a raven croaking "Nevermore"
HARRY
All its gizmos so flimsy
Yet chockfull of whimsy
To augment its décor
HAGRID (approaching Fawkes)
Don't reach for a Kleenex
If you see his Phoenix
Get in smoke and ashes dissolved
HARRY
And don't be surprised, my friend
When you see him arise again,
That's just the way they evolved
HAGRID
It's a bird of beauty
Of color and of fire
And when he croons he can outdo
The Tabernacle Choir
BOTH
It's no day care school in the Pensieve of Albus Dumbledore
Although they're not that.expensive
Just a dollar ninety-four
The flashback effects are intensive as dire issues are explored
HARRY
You see inside his mind
As his thoughts all rewind
To show what happened long before.
BOTH
There's many a jewel in the office of Albus Dumbledore
It's the center of the resistance against Lord Voldemort
Whenever Hogwarts in crisis
Or there's a problem too hardcore
HARRY:
If it's a magical diary
HAGRID:
A goblet too fiery
HARRY:
A visit from Black
HAGRID: A Dementor attack
HARRY: A stone needs to be hid
HAGRID:
Or to stone's turned a kid
HARRY:
Or if Snape's in a snit
HAGRID:
Or if Fudge throws a fit
ALL (including HAT & FAWKES):
Just look for Albus Dumbledore!
A filk by GiNnY to the tune of My Immortal by Evanescence, from the album Fallen and the Daredevil OST
THE SCENE: Dumbledore, depressed over seeing Fawkes looking so dreadful a few days before Burning Day, ponders on their friendship, his mortality, and his Phoenix's virtual immortality....
DUMBLEDORE:
I know you'll always be here
Yet I am burdened with this fear
That I will lose my pet
And I don't want to just yet
I know that you'll always be here
And you won't leave me alone
You are my loyal friend
You're with me to the end
We have a friendship time will not erase
When you cry
You heal with your magical tears
When you sing
You make all despair disappear
And you've been my friend through all of these years
When I'm gone you'll still be here.
When your Burning Day draws near
Your looks surely don't endear
You shed your lovely feathers, you look queer.
Burst into flames
To a pile of ashes
But you remain the same
Phoenix as you are reborn
You are my loyal friend
You're with me to the end
We have a friendship time will not erase
When you cry
You heal with your magical tears
When you sing
You make all despair disappear
And you've been my friend through all of these years
When I'm gone you'll still be here.
I know that you'll still be alive when I'm gone
But while I'm still living
You will never be alone.
When you cry
You heal with your magical tears
When you sing
You make all despair disappear
And you've been my friend through all of these years
When I'm gone you'll still be here.
To the tune of Old Man River, from Kern and Hammerstein's Showboat
THE SCENE: A remote Albanian forest in the early 1980s (the Dark Lord's years of exile). Enter LORD VOLDEMORT, in the form of a large centipede.
VOLDEMORT
There's an ol' man who's Headmaster at Hogwarts
That's the ol' man that I'd like to waste!
What does he care for a poor Dark Lord's troubles?
What does he care that I've been disgraced?
Old man wizard
That old man wizard
He won't stay quiet
He don't deny it
He just keeps sayin'
He keeps on sayin' my name
Although my powers
Were once atomic
It's clear, even then
He found me comic.
That ol' man wizard
He keeps betrayin' my aim
Poor ol' me, despite my brain
Body I'm lackin', an' racked with pain!
Ripped from life!
Can't exist!
Takin' over snakes
Merely to subsist…..
I grow weary
But still keep tryin'
Obsessed with livin'
Afraid of dyin'
But ol' man wizard
He keeps delayin' my game
And now I'm hearin'
What's sure to scare us
News of that ol' man
From Richard Harris:
Straight through Book Seven
He'll keep Let's-Roll!-ing along!
The centipede expires. Exit the restless spirit of VOLDEMORT, in search of other temporary habitations.
HARRY: What do you see when you look in the mirror [of Erised]?
DUMBLEDORE: I? I see myself holding a pair of thick, woolen socks.
- PS/SS, Chapter 12
THE SCENE: The Office of the Headmaster. Enter DUMBLEDORE and DOBBY
DUMBLEDORE
For Christmas I get books as gifts
But I feel I'm getting a real short shrift
Wool socks, all I really want are wool socks
And I'm telling you, I'm requestin' a pair
Of what I wanna wear, wool socks
DOBBY
No one gave me a single thing
Till I got footwear that makes freedom ring
Wool socks, all I really need are wool socks
And I'm telling you, I was goin' nowhere
Til I grabbed me a pair of wool socks
DOBBY: I'm just an elf
DUMBLEDORE: I'm just a sage
BOTH: We've both known fear and pain and rage
We both have reeled from the Dark Lord's blows
We've suffered our share of life's cruel woes
But we'll never know defeat
As long as we've these to put on our feet...........
Wool socks, all we really need are wool socks
DOBBY
Oh I'm telling you, we can move like Astaire
When wearin' a pair of wool socks
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, I'm telling you, we'll be dressin' with flair
When wearin' a pair of wool socks
BOTH
And we're telling you, we both proudly declare
Our feet'll never be bare
With wool socks!
A Christmas filk by Gail to the tune of Good King Wenceslas
Good Headmaster Dumbledore
In the Great Hall was found
Christmas time had come once more
Professors gathered 'round
McGonagall, Snape and Sprout
Filch and Flitwick were there
Even Trelawney came out
And sat down in a chair
Harry and his friends had come
WIth two first-years, nervous
And a Slyth'rin who looked glum
All else left the campus
Since there were so few people
D'dore said, "It's better
For us to use one table
So let's sit together!"
Dumbledore offered to Snape
With much joyful laughter
Wrapped up in some silver tape
The end of a cracker
Reluctantly Snape tugged at
It and with a loud pop
Revealed a large pointed hat
With a stuffed vulture on top
Remembering the Boggart
Harry at Ron did grin
As if he had something tart,
Snape's mouth quickly grew thin
Good Headmaster Dumbledore
Took from the Professor
And upon his head he wore
The hat to Snape's displeasure
A filk by Mariner to the tune of The Old Man Down the Road by John Fogerty
He got a stash of lemon sherbets,
He got a twinkle in his eye,
He hire a lycanthrope to teach Defense,
He make the Potions Master spy.
Oh, what's he up to now?
Oh, has he got a plan?
Oh, can we really trust
The old man who runs the school?
He know that Voldemort is Riddle,
He got a beard that's long and white,
He got a robe all covered with suns and moons,
He gonna lead the side of Light.
Oh, what's he up to now?
Oh, has he got a plan?
Oh, can we really trust
The old man who runs the school?
He got the prophecies and secrets,
He know who gonna rise or fall,
Don't even think of being clever,
'Cos the old man knows it all.
Oh, what's he up to now?
Oh, has he got a plan?
Oh, can we really trust
The old man who runs the school?
The old man who runs the school...
The old man who runs the school...
A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of I Love This Bar by Toby Keith
THE SCENE: It's the beginning of term 2003 and everyone's about to sing the Hogwart's song. Just then, Dumbledore puts on a cowboy hat and waves his wand. The familiar ribbon appears but the words are different. They went something like this:
DUMBLEDORE:
We got witches, we got wizards
Big spiders and lizards
We got dragons, we got slayers
We got good Quidditch players
And the students dress in robes, that's pretty cool
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school
We got head boys, we got prefects
Sharp prodigious kids and rejects
We got Seekers, we got Chasers
Magic blackboard erasers
And Professor Snape he can be really cruel
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school
I love this school
It's my kind of place
Just walk into the great hall
Puts a big smile on my face
Don't be a fool
Follow the rules
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school
Now I've seen unicorns, and centaurs
Seen freaky thestrals and flyin' cars
We got four ghosts and talking Skeeters
I even seen a werewolf and Death Eaters
And we like to sometimes try to bend the rules
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school
Yes I do
DUMBLEDORE/STUDENTS
I like my wand / I like my wand
I like some Quidditch / I like some Quidditch
EVERYONE
I like to learn a lot about magic
I like a potion now and then
I love this school
It's my kind of place
Just walking around the great hall
Puts a big smile on my face
Don't be a fool
Follow the rules
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this school
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm I love this old school
A filk by The Dark Evil One to The Night Before Christmas by Clement C. Moore.
'Twas the Night before Christmas
And all through Hogwarts
Every student was sleeping
E'en Draco, in his Shorts.
The fires all were put out, and the chimneys all swept.
The Elves finished their Duties as everyone slept.
The Ferret was curled up, snug in his bed
That came from PetSmart, or so it is said.
And Severus Snape in pajamas and robe
As Ron slept Unrestful - he's an Arachnophobe.
When suddenly, strange noises pierced the Dark night.
The Ferret wet himself from Terrible fright.
All three sprang from their beds, and Young Harry, too.
The Ferret blushed Brightly, and ran to the Loo.
They gathered together and peered through the Door
In the Entrance Hall, down on Hogwart School's ground floor.
Then out from the clouds near the tops of the towers
And the Winter's white sky (the poor Ferret did cower)!
They did not Recognise him, the Man who did fly;
Snape found him Familiar, and Rubbed sleep from his Eyes.
"Why, it must be Old Santa!"
The Ferret exclaimed,
"I told you he was Real,
This Elf so acclaimed!"
Now Harry, Ron, Draco, and he-in-the-Cape
(The same, I should tell you, as Severus Snape)
Ran to the Stairs, to hide as they might,
And Left the Doors open to let in Moon-light.
As the feathery Owls with the morning post fly
When they rush to their daily duty in the Sky,
So down from the tower the Sea-gulls they flew
With a bathtub-shaped Carriage, and Santa Claus, too.
Complete with the Faucets, a Plug, and a Chain!
Ron could not Fathom it; it hurt his poor Brain.
And they drew in sharp breaths and watched closely the Door
As St. Nicolas entered where the Moon-light did Pour.
He was Dressed in long robes, made of brocaded Gold.
He wore Golden-rimmed spectacles, looked Very Old.
A Bundle of sorts, filled with Toys, Sweets, and more…
Why, he looked just like Someone whom they'd Seen before!
His Eyes - how they twinkled! How Bright they shone Blue!
His Hair was so silv'ry, a silver they Knew,
And his Beard, o that beard! It was White as the Snow
That covered the ground on the lawns far Below.
"Draco, you dork, do your Eyes work no more?
This is not St. Nick, but Old Dumbledore!
Look at his long Hair, look at his Nose,
Look how his Beard nearly falls to his Toes!"
Their Headmaster it was, Jolly he did look.
Draco was frightened, his Knees how they Shook.
Daft of him, really, to me it Appears
For the Ferret to have this Possession of Fear.
To them, he spoke not, nor an Obeisance made
As under each Tree their Gifts he there laid.
Then he placed his long Finger aside of his Nose -
What a cryptic salute Old Dumbledore chose!
He Returned to his Tub, and Far Away flew.
The Four hardly believed what they had Seen was true.
But they Heard him exclaim, ere he Drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas To All, And To All A Good-Night!!"
To the tune of the Beatles' When I'm 64
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm placing this filk for Nicholas Flamel on the page of his erstwhile partner, for want of a better location. Also: "664", for prosodic reasons, should be sung as "six-six-four," rather than "six-hundred and sixty-four."
There have been many reports of the Philosopher's Stone over the centuries, but the only Stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicolas Flamel, the noted alchemist and opera lover. Mr. Flamel, who celebrated his six hundred and sixty-fifth birthday last year, enjoys a quiet life in Devon with his wife, Perenelle (six hundred and fifty-eight).
-PS/SS, Chap. 13
THE SCENE: NICHOLAS FLAMEL'S Parisian Bookstore, circa 1391. He sings to his wife Perenelle of his breakthrough with the Philosopher's Stone
FLAMEL:
I'm making gold here, using the Stone, through my alchemy
Will we be surviving past Medieval days, live till it's nearly Y2K?
Will we endure through six centuries, thanks to my bookstore?
Will we produce a modern Methuselah
When I'm 664?
Hmm------mmm---mmmh.
You're immortal, too.
Aaah, and if you say the word, I'll get Stoned with you.
It will be dandy, who could refuse, such delights will come
We will dwell together through the Renaissance, and post-Napoleonic France
The Eiffel Tower, Les Miserables, maybe two World Wars
Partake of the Rock 'n' stop the clock tockin' till we're 664
We can use the Rock to live till they invent the opera. It won't take too long.
Magic Elixir
We'll let life insurance lapse, and become fixtures
Name on a Frog card, get mentioned in The Da Vinci Code
Wealth and fame and power and longevity, better living through chemistry
And should we tire, minds organized, we'll ask Dumbledore
To help us venture last great adventure when we're 664.
A filk by The Final Stillness of Saturn to the tune of Hey Jude by the Beatles
GELLERT GRINDELWALD:
Hey Al, it's not that bad.
We're not mad, wanting wizards better.
Remember, that it's for the greater good,
And that it should only get better.
Hey Al, don't be afraid.
We were made to rule over Muggles.
The minute we collect all three Hallows,
We'll be allowed to win this struggle.
You can restore life with the stone, hey Al, it's known,
And I think the cloak is in Godric's Hollow.
Then we'll just need to find the wand, and they'll respond;
Both Muggles and wizards will have to follow.
Na na na na na
na na na na
Hey Al, let us move forth
'Cause Aberforth just seeks to blister.
Finally, we can in our quest partake,
And he can take care of your sister.
We'll search without and search within, hey Al ,begin.
They're waiting for someone to help guide them.
Make all live for the greater good, hey Al, we could.
Our movement will make the world better.
Hey Al, it's not that bad.
We're not mad, wanting wizards better.
Remember, that it's for the greater good,
And that it should only get better.
Better, better, better, better, better, Oh
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Al!
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Al!
Na na na na na na na
Na na na na, Hey Al!