Defense Against Dark Arts
Saturday Night Quirrell
Featuring the Mirrorball of Erised!
Image © 2002 Red Scharlach
Saturday Night Quirrell
Featuring the Mirrorball of Erised!
Image © 2002 Red Scharlach
* = post-OOP
** = post-HBP
Copyright 2001, 2002 by Caius Marcius except All the DADA Teachers Copyright 2001 by Pippin; Three Profs from Hogwarts School are We Copyright 2002 by Eloise; Quirrell Copyright 2003 by Gail; Quirrell Copyright 2003 by MagicPoni; Quirrell Copyright 2004 by Ginger; Goodbye, Quirrell Copyright 2004 by Nina Bott & Mira Black; I Don't Want You to Teach DADA Copyright 2005 by Jill; The DADA Teachers Copyright 2005 by RJ Lupin; Good Night and Thank You Copyright 2005 by Anon E. Mouse; But Dear Headmaster Copyright 2005 by Murasaki
A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Beatles' Eleanor Rigby
Professor Quirrell
Wearing a face that he hid in a purple chapeau
How could we know
Hearing him stutter
Who would have guessed that his quest was to rip off the Stone
He's not alone…
All the DADA teachers
Where do they all come from
All the DADA teachers
They never last too long
Gilderoy Lockhart
Tended to shirk at the work but he dressed with a flair
Setting his hair
Look at him posing
He'd have left Ginny to die in the basilisk's lair
What did he care
Hopeless Hogwarts teachers
Where do they all come from
Hopeless Hogwarts teachers
Where do they all belong
Remus J Lupin
Drove a Dementor away when it came through the door
Gave it what-for
Gentle and caring
Always supportive except when lycanthropy hit
He had to quit
Ah! What a sad and lonely creature!
Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher
Alastor Moody
Locked in a trunk while his job was usurped by a punk
Even the clunk!
Barty was smirking
Menacing Snape in the night knowing Harry was there
Setting a snare
All the phony teachers
Where do they all come from
Phony Hogwarts teachers
In Azkaban belong
Fleur Delacour
One of her sex
Is in line for the job that is hexed
She could be next
Old Arabella
It might be she, I agree, but I don't think it can,
Her name won't scan
Three more DADA teachers
Where will they all come from?
Three more DADA teachers
Till I can end this song.
After the release of OOP, these two altenate final stanzas were written
Dolores Umbridge
She was up next in the line for the job that is hexed
Harry was vexed
Questioning Snivelly
Snape wants the post, we've been told, despite Dumbledore's
ban
His name won't scan
Two more DADA teachers
Where will they all come from?
Two more DADA teachers
Till I can end this song.
To the tune of My Heart Belongs to Daddy from Cole Porter's musical Leave it to Me
THE SCENE: The Defense Against Dark Arts (DADA) classroom. Enter QUIRRELL, LOCKHART, LUPIN and MOODY/CROUCH
ALL
Good wizards fall
If in the thrall
Of those who call
On dark forces
So it is taught
How they are fought
When you are brought
To our courses
But just as Frodo faced Gollum,
We four comprise a fifth column...
Defense we teach, but sometimes reach
For practices quite diabolic
MOODY & QUIRRELL
Cause we're so bad,
LUPIN
..........................or made moonbeam mad
LOCKHART
Or just anti-workaholic
MOODY
We teach effects of hateful hex
LOCKHART
Or how best to recapture pixies
LUPIN
Of boggart lore I have tons galore
QUIRRELL
But we play such fiendish tricks, see
ALL (except LUPIN)
Yes, Dark Arts are fought by DADA
But some of us keep going bad
We three have all tried to harm Potta
Rat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat tat-tat-tat
LUPIN
From Moody whose eye was mad-da
To Quirrell who kept Voldy at rear
All of Hogwarts ought to be glad-da
That those guys just lasted one year
ALL
Yes, Dark Arts are fought by DADA
But DADA doesn't always mean well
Next year, DADA will be a lady
With some shady secret to tell
LUPIN
You'll seek it,
She'll tweak it
She won't dare to speak it
The secret your DADA will tell……
Exit all
A filk by Eloise to the tune of Three Little Maids from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Mikado
Prof. Lockhart, you should know, has donned special Japanese robes for the occasion and keeps fluttering his eyelashes, in what he seems to think is a winning way, from behind his fan. The other two aren't at all impressed by this and keep throwing him evil glances.
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School are we,
Experts in Dark Arts and sorcery,
None of us quite what he seems to be,
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
'MOODY':
I turned my father into a bone (Evil chuckle)
QUIRRELL:
I only want the Philosopher's Stone (Evil chuckle)
LOCKHART:
Look at my hair! Have you got a comb? (Flirtatious giggle behind fan)
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Teachers, whose pupils, all unwary,
Studying at Hogwarts Seminary,
Think that we're good; the truth's contrary -
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
LOCKHART:
One of us just doesn't have a clue!
QUIRRELL:
Two of us working for You-Know-Who!
'MOODY':
Three of us bent on deceiving you!
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
QUIRRELL:
From three Hogwarts profs take one away.
LOCKHART:
Two Hogwarts profs remain, and they -
'MOODY':
Didn't survive very long, they say -
THE THREE:
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
THE THREE:
Teachers whose pupils, all unwary,
Studying at Hogwarts Seminary,
Think that we're good -the truth's contrary -
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
Three profs from Hogwarts School!
A filk by RJL to the tune of Gee, Officer Krupke from West Side Story.
SCENE: Harry, Ron, and Hermione sit around 12 Grimmauld Place, when they suddenly start thinking about when they return to Hogwarts, they'll have another DADA teacher. They begin to review all the one's they've had before, and as they get to the teacher, when the teacher sings, they appear as a sort of ghost-like memory figure
RON: (spoken)
You know, when we go back, we're gonna have another new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
HERMIONE: (spoken)
Yes, that's true. They come and go so fast!
HARRY: (spoken)
Yeah. Anyone remember Quirrell?
HERMIONE: (spoken)
How could we forget?
RON: (spoken)
You know what? All of our Defense teacher's have affected our school year a lot and have had some big horrible secret? Let's go through them...
QUIRRELL:
I was a young foolish man
Until I knew the way
And then I went to Hogwarts
And taught Dark Arts by day
Then Harry Potter found out
You-Know-Who's in my head
Love he fought with
That's why I am dead!
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Well, Quirrell had always been such a weird guy
Stuttering each day and we had never known why
We had found out when his
Turban came apart
He was bad and then we got Lockhart
HERMIONE: (a little too excitedly)
Got Lockhart!
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE:
Got Lockhart, got Lockhart
Got taught by Lockhart
We were taught by Gilderoy Lockhart!
LOCKHART:
I was famous all about
I lied, nobody knew
When Harry and Ron found out
I knew what I must do
But Ron's wand had backfired
That I did not beseech
Lost my mem'ry
That's why I can't teach!
HARRY and RON: (as Hermione scowls at them)
Lockhart was always such a self-absorbed snob
And it is still a wonder how he had got the job
Deserved what he got since
He had been lyin'
And then the next year we got Lupin
HERMIONE:
Got Lupin!
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Got Lupin, got Lupin
Got taught by Lupin
We were taught by Remus J. Lupin!
LUPIN:
My robes were patched and shabby
But nobody would care
They loved my lessons fully
Excited to be there
Then all had found my secret
I'd hoped no one would find
I'm a werewolf
That's why I resigned!
HARRY, RON and HERMIONE:
Lupin's the best teacher that we'll ever know
It made us really sad that we had to see him go
But since he transformed
Wanted to leave quickly
The next year we got Mad-Eye Moody
HERMIONE:
Got Moody!
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE:
Got Moody, got Moody
Got taught by Moody
We were taught then by Mad-Eye Moody!
IMPOSTER!MOODY:
I was a famous Auror
The students were in awe
I made Malfoy a ferret
They loved just what they saw
My plan was really brilliant
But I ran out of luck
I'm a faker
That's why my soul's sucked!
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE:
Yep
With Mad-Eye teaching we really had fun
It's just too bad he really was Barty Crouch's son
He helped Voldemort (You-Know-Who)
But was gone in a smidge
Then the next year we got Umbridge
Damn Umbridge!
Got Umbridge, got Umbridge
Got "taught" by Umbridge
We were tortured by Dolores Umbridge!
UMBRIDGE:
Now sit and study theories!
No magic should arise!
This Potter boy is weary!
He's clearly telling lies!
As the High Inquisitor
New decrees start today!
HARRY, RON, and HERMIONE:
Luckily centaurs ran her away!
Gee, Professor Dumble
Now ev'ryone thinks
The Defense Against Dark Arts job has got to be jinxed
What do we do when they all disappear?
Dumbledore himself appears before the kids, making them all jump slightly, because he had been standing there the whole time listening
DUMBLEDORE:
You'll get a new teacher
Next year!
A filk by Gail to the tune of Girl by the Beatles
Note: During the bridge, the "Didididi" part sung in the background...that's Quirrell stuttering.
There was once a brilliant young man who had a stutter
He was a professor at Hogwarts
He was always afraid and they thought
He was a nutter
Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts
Ah, Quirrell! Quirrell
When Harry thought that Professor Snape was the person
Trying to get the Stone, he was so sure
But all along it was Quirrell 'cause
Underneath Quirrell's turban
He concealed the Dark Lord Voldemort
Ah, Quirrell! Quirrell!
All the students there thought that his class
Was just a joke, the poor fellow
(Didididi....)
What his students didn't know
His stutter, it was just a show
Oh no! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!
Quirrell! Quirrell
He was told by Voldemort that there's
No good or evil
And Quirrell did believe him when he said
There is only power and those to weak to seek it, but still
What did he think when he was left for dead?
Ah, Quirrell!
Quirrell!
Quirrell!
A filk by MagicPoni to the tune of Dr. Demento's Squirrels
SCENE: Quirrell sings his song, quirky as it is. C'mon cut him a break, he's a few cards short of an Exploding Snap deck!
QUIRRELL:
Quirrell, all I really am is Quirrell
I'm teaching Dark Arts I am Quirrell
I am s-squealing I am Quirrell
I want to get the Stone
But people won't leave me alone
When I'm at a Quidditch game
At least I won't go up in flames
HARRY:
Back in the other day
I saw that Quirrell running away
He fainted on the Great Hall floor
When he came screaming through the door
SNAPE:
Quirrell season opens up today
If your that Quirrell run away
I'm really going to make him pay
Who said I'm evil anyway?
QUIRRELL:
Turbans I like to wear
But that's because my scalp is bare
And violet is my favorite shade
Of purple fabric that I made.
And I would really like to say
That I hide Voldy nowadays.
Please don't kill me this I pray
I seem so harmless anyway.
(Quirrell!)
QUIRRELL:
I'm not malicious
(Quirrell!)
HARRY:
He's got some loose screws
(Quirrell!)
QUIRRELL:
Don't look suspicious
(Quirrell!)
HARRY:
Lets trolls in bathrooms
QUIRRELL:
That's all I really am is Quirrell
Isn't it fine I am a Quirrell
(keeps saying Quirrell)
A filk by Ginger based on the song Windy by the Association.
Who's hanging out at the Leaky Cauldron
Stuttering "P-P-Potter, so pleased"
Who's just announced "A troll's in the dungeon!"
Everyone knows it's Quirrell.
Who's tete-a-tete with Snape was suspicious,
Giving a herring, red as can be?
Who wants the Stone for You-Know-Who's wishes?
Everyone knows it's Quirrell.
And Quirrell wears on his head
An entity almost dead
Who judges by how you're bred.
It's the Dark Lord (it's the Dark Lord)
It's the Dark Lord.
(flute break)
And Quirrell wears on his head
An entity almost dead
Who judges by how you're bred.
It's the Dark Lord (it's the Dark Lord)
It's the Dark Lord.
(optional last verse for HPfGU folk)
Who's got the listees thinking and pondering
Is he quite dead or an escapee?
Is he Norwegian, some folk are wondering-
What will we learn of Quirrell?
A filk by Nina Bott and Mira Black (aka The Pixie Chicks) to the tune of Goodbye Earl
by The Dixie Chicks
Harry, Ron and Hermy were the best of friends
All through their Hogwarts days
All members of the dueling club
All active in the DA
The Philosopher's Stone was their first quest
As an evil wizard's plan unfurled
The three of them looked all around the school
And all they found was Quirrell.
Well it wasn't two weeks after he got sorted that
Harry started gettin' abused
Snape was so nasty and so unfair
It made him feel confused.
Well they naturally supposed that Snape was the one
Who wanted to take the stone
But Quirrell walked right through those magic defenses
And Harry met him there all alone.
"Kill the boy!" someone said
From the back of Quirrell's head
With red eyes evilly alight
Harry's skin burnt his hands
Ruined Voldemort's plans
And it didn't take him long to decide.
That Quirrell had to die
Goodbye Quirrell
You wanna be free?
Well, you're no more use to me, Quirrell.
You're feelin' weak?
Why don't you lay down
And sleep, Quirrell?
Its your reward
For failing the Dark Lord, Quirrell.
Dumbledore came by to rescue Harry
And take him to Pomfrey's ward
He smiled at him and said "Thank you Harry
You drove away Voldemort."
Well the weeks went by and
Spring turned to summer
And summer faded into fall
And Voldemort was a missing person
Who nobody missed at all.
So for Harry and his friends
Another year begins
Back to Hogwarts once again
They don't know what's in store
Expecting nothing more
And they don't lose any sleep at night 'cause
Quirrell had to die
Goodbye, Quirrell
You seemed so scared
But your head was shared, Quirrell
You jinxed Harry's broom
He almost me his doom, Quirrell
You were Voldemort's man
Hey! That's how it began, Quirrell.
Hey!
To the tune of Don't Fence Me In from Cole Porter's 1935 musical Adios Argentina
THE SCENE: Office of the Headmaster. DUMBLEDORE dictates an ad for the classified section of the Daily Prophet.
DUMBLEDORE
Oh, there's a job, vacant job, that at Hogwarts I must fill
Defense Again
It must be somebody who'll refuse to students kill
Defense Again
Someone who M.O.M won't have to indict
A modest kind of soul who avoids limelight
Someone once a month who does not people bite
Defense again
Pixies don't loose, with no turban or disturbin'
Underground activities.
In ev'ry class, you will impart on the Dark Arts
Without rank proclivities
Through the offices of Snape you won't be prowlin'
You'll see the full moon but you won't start howlin'
At the Secret Chambers, you won't throw the towel in
Defense again
Someone who knows Grindylows without using windy prose
Defense again
Someone who'll teach 'em duels without lookin' like a fool
Defense again
You'll only write about what you have done in person
You will not target students with forbidden cursin'
In blood of unicorns you won't be immersin'
Defense again
No Polyjuice, no Avada by our DADA
Underneath some slick disguise
You won't use dwarves, no more singin' they'll be bringin',
That's a thing we all despise.
You will not bounce our students into ferret-y shapes
When a year's gone by, you will not need to escape
If only I could give the job to Severus Snape
I'd cry, "Amen!"
Exit Dumbledore's owl toward The Prophet's office
A filk by Jill to the tune of De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da by the Police
The setting: During the summer after Harry's fifth year, Dumbledore has a conversation with Snape.
DUMBLEDORE PONDERS:
Quirrell leased his mind
Lockhart's name he signed
Lupin's approach was very kind
To Crouch's Moody we were blind
How I missed their quirks escapes me
What kind of dark arts coach would Snape be?
DUMBLEDORE SPEAKS:
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
I'll have to bring in someone new
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
The job is cursed-it might be true
DUMBLEDORE PONDERS:
Umbridge was a politician
Had Fudge to thank for her position
Hogwarts rule was her ambition
We aren't sure now of her condition
I know he can make a great brew
But teaching dark arts how would Snape do?
DUMBLEDORE SPEAKS:
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
I'll have to bring in someone new
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
The job is cursed-it might be true
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
I'll have to bring in someone new
I don't want you to teach DADA
It brings out the worst side of you
I don't want you to teach DADA
The job is cursed-it might be true
To the tune of Monty Python's The Lumberjack Song
THE SCENE: The Potion Dungeon. SNAPE is conducting what appears to be a routine class
SNAPE (spoken, to Neville): Tell me, boy, does anything penetrate that thick skull of yours? Didn't you hear me say, quite clearly, that only one rat spleen was needed? Didn't I state plainly that a dash of leech juice would suffice? What do I have to do to make you understand, Longbottom?
A sudden change of lighting as SNAPE experiences a startling revelation
Oh, hang it all! I- I never wanted to teach Potions in the first place! I don't care about lacewings or bezoars or aconite! I wanted to be... a Defense Against Dark Arts Professor!
Stirring music rises in the background
Leaping from troll to troll, as we fight down the mighty rivers of Scandinavia! The Giant Redcap! The Knarl! The Fairy! The mighty Runespoor! The lofty powerful Centaur! The plucky little Augerey! The wimpy Grindylows of Albania! The sourpuss Werewolves of Abingdon! The Mackled Malaclaw of Weybridge! The naughty Lethifold (like a cloak!) The flatulent Gnomes of West Bromwich! The Quintaped, Manticore, Basilisk & Glumbumble! The Erumpent! The ferocious Flobberworm! And with my best syllabus by my side, we'd sing! Sing! Sing!
[singing]
I'm a Dark Arts Prof, I do AK.
I snore all night and I teach all day.
STUDENTS:
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK.
He snores all night and he'll teach all day.
SNAPE:
I cast dark spells, I score my tests
I go to the laboratory
On Wednesdays I start chopping
Cabbages and celery.
STUDENTS:
He casts dark spells, he scores his tests
He goes to the laboratory
On Wednesdays he starts chopping
Cabbages and celery....
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK.
He snores all night and he'll teach all day
SNAPE:
I kill off imps. I crumple Crups.
I subdue the Occamy
I put on DE garments
And worship Lord Voldy.......
STUDENTS:
He kills off imps. He crumples Crups.
He subdues the Occamy
He puts on DE garments
And worships Lord Voldy???!!!
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK.
He snores all night and he'll teach all day
SNAPE:
I shrug off Shrakes. I wear Dark Marks,
And Muggles I torture
I love being a DE
Just like ol' Dumbledore!
STUDENTS:
He shrugs off Shrakes. He wears Dark Marks,
And Muggles he tortures
[talking all at once]
What's this? Loves being a DE?! A Death Eater!
Just like who? Dumbledore!? Whatever!
Several students walk out
REMAINING STUDENTS:[singing]
He's a Dark Arts Prof, he does AK.
He snores all night and he'll teach all day
SNAPE & STUDENTS
I'm/He's a Dark Arts Prof, I/he do/does AK.
I/He snore(s) all night and I/he'll teach all day.
A filk by Anon E. Mouse to the tune of Good Night and Thank You from Lloyd Webber's Evita
Headmistress McGonagall, in her new office, surrounded by Headmasters' portraits, looks through the paperwork of former employees.
McGONAGALL (picking up a folder with Quirrell's picture on it)
Good night and thank you, Professor Quirrell.
Thank you for nothing that is.
You've sure caused too much harm to this school.
Now, may you rest in peace.
THE PICTURE OF QUIRRELL
Oh! But it's sad when one's life has to end,
But when you work for Dark Lord
There is always significant risk.
Don't hold too tight to this world.
McGonagall throws the folder aside
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame him, you're the same.
McGONAGALL (picking up a folder with Lockhart's picture on it)
Good night and thank you, Professor Lockhart.
Thank you for nothing, I'd say.
Sorry that this job had cost you your health,
But it's not like you've worked, any way.
PICTURE OF LOCKHART
Oh! But it's sad when career must end.
Memory charms could be tough.
Teaching at Hogwarts seemed like a good thing.
Now I've had quite enough.
McGonagall throws the folder aside
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame him, you're the same.
McGONAGALL (picking up a folder with Lupin's picture on it)
Good night and thank you, Professor Lupin.
You've been the best of the bunch.
Why did you have to skip dose of that potion?
I'd like to know that much.
PICTURE OF LUPIN
Oh! But it's sad when career must end,
But that was of no use.
Werewolves just can't hold on to a job,
That is the painful truth.
McGonagall carefully puts the folder down
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame him, you're the same.
McGONAGALL (picking up two folders, one with Moody's picture
on it, the other with Crouch Jr's)
Good night and thank you, Professor Moody,
Or should I say Mr. Crouch.
You've sure made one big mess at this school.
For that I thank you a bunch.
PICTURE OF CROUCH JR.
Oh! But it's sad when one's life has to end,
But when you work for Dark Lord…
PICTURE OF MOODY
This job was not worth nine moths in a trunk,
That's what I can tell the world.
McGonagall throws both folders aside
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame them, you're the same.
McGONAGALL (picking up a folder with Umbridge's picture on it)
Good night and thank you, Professor Umbridge,
And may you go to hell.
I can't describe how happy I was
To bade you a quick farewell.
THE PICTURE OF UMBRIDGE
Oh! But it's sad when career must end,
But I make the rules in this game.
You might think you always land on your feet,
But trust me, we shall meet again.
McGonagall slams the folder down in rage
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame her, you're the same.
McGONAGALL (picking up a folder with Snape's picture on it)
Good night and thank you, Professor Snape.
You've sure taken the pie.
End your career in killing your Headmaster.
Could anyone tell me why?
THE PICTURE OF SNAPE
Oh! But it's sad that it all had to end
In such an unfortunate way,
But I don't care what you think of me,
Thus, I have nothing to say.
McGonagall stays frozen in shock
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
Who could last long on a job that is jinxed
By He-Who-Must-Never-
-Must-Never-Be-Named.
Don't blame him, you're the same.
McGonagall lets go of the folder, and it stays floating in the air. Other six folders also rise in the air, and they all line up presenting the seven pictures
ALL SEVEN PICTURES
This is the club we should never have joined,
But somebody played us for fools.
We have applied for respectable job,
But somebody altered the rules.
McGONAGALL
Oh! But it's sad that this might be last stroke.
This might indeed the end,
Now that I have to deal with all this
Without my mentor and friend.
THE CHORUS OF HEADMASTERS' PORTRAITS
There's nobody, never could be,
Never will be and never was,
A wizard, good or evil,
To whom a Headmaster of Hogwarts yield,
Not even to Him-
-Who-Must-Never-be-Named.
Don't fear, you're the same.
A filk by Murasaki to the tune of But Mr. Adams from 1776
(Note: Since I wanted to cover all of the Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers, I added in two extra verses. The verses followed a pattern, and I just kept going . . . ).
Every year, Dumbledore is given the daunting task of finding a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.
DUMBLEDORE: Alright, everyone, let's get on with it. Which lucky soul will teach our Defense Against the Dark Arts course?
SNAPE: Headmaster, I think I should teach it;
I have many skills and knowledge in that art.
DUMBLEDORE (thoughtfully): Is that so?
Well, if you took the position,
You'd sway to evil ambition-
You were a Death Eater before, we all know that.
SNAPE (bitterly): Yes, I know.
DUMBLEDORE: So I say he should teach it, Quirrell, yes, him.
SNAPE: Hell no!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, our new Professor Quirrell, him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But dear Headmaster, sir, dear Headmaster-
The man's insane-he wears a purple turban for a hat!
The man can't speak, let alone the Dark Arts combat!
And I attest that he's possessed by the Dark Lord, at that!
. . . and it turns out Snape was right.
QUIRRELL: Dark Lord at that, Dark Lord at that . . . oh yes, I've been possessed!
So, the next year, it's back to the drawing board.
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Lockhart, I say you should teach it;
You've published several novels on the theme.
LOCKHART: That is true!
DUMBLEDORE: Whereas if Snape took the position,
He'd sway to evil ambition-
He was a Death Eater before, you know that sir?
LOCKHART: Now I do.
DUMBLEDORE: Then I say he should teach it, Lockhart, yes, him!
SNAPE: Great Merlin, no!
DUMBLEDORE (glaring at Snape): Yes, him, Gilderoy Lockhart, him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But, dear Headmaster, sir, dear Headmaster-
He's not a teacher, he's a model with a swollen head!
He couldn't stop a Cornish Pixie if it was quite dead!
It's all deceit; he simply cheats his way to get ahead!
. . . and it turns out Snape was right, again.
LOCKHART: Get ahead, get ahead . . . I cheat to earn my way!
It's the same old scene the following year.
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Lupin, maybe you should teach it;
You were diligent back in your days at school.
Whereas, if Snape took the position,
He'd sway to evil ambition-
He was a Death Eater before, did you know that?
LUPIN (smirking): I hadn't heard.
DUMBLEDORE: Then I say he should teach it, Lupin, yes, him!
SNAPE (flatly): Not him, Albus!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, him, Remus Lupin, him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But, dear Headmaster, sir, dear Headmaster-
The man's a werewolf, and his friends and him were always mean!
Did you forget they almost killed me when we were sixteen?
And it's a task to keep his masked disorder quite unseen!
. . . and Snape was right, though he's really to blame . . .
LUPIN: Unseen, unseen . . . my disorder was unmasked!
Once again, the interviews.
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Moody, perhaps you could teach it?
You were the best at fighting Dark Arts in your day.
MOODY (who's . . . not really Moody . . . ): So I was.
DUMBLEDORE:
Whereas, if Snape took the position,
He'd sway to evil ambition-
He was a Death Eater before; you know that so.
MOODY (grinning deviously): Oh, yes, I do!
DUMBLEDORE: Then I say he should teach it, Moody, yes, him!
SNAPE: Oh no!
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, him, Alastor Moody, him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Him!
SNAPE: But dear Headmaster, sir, dear Headmaster-
He's awfully old and he's promised us but one year here.
It's hardly worth it to hire someone for just a year!
And I just feel that that's a deal that's just a bit too queer.
. . . he is, of course, right.
BARTEMIUS CROUCH, JR (once Moody): Too queer, too queer . . . I was in quite a deal!
Dumbledore begins to run out of options.
DUMBLEDORE: Now, Ms. Umbridge, you say you will teach it?
You're quite connected in the Ministry.
UMBRIDGE: Yes, I am!
Whereas, if Snape took the position,
He'd sway to evil ambition-
He was a Death Eater before, but you know that.
UMBRIDGE: Oh, really now?
DUMBLEDORE: Then I say she should teach it, Umbridge, yes, her!
SNAPE (sighing to himself): Why, oh, why?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes, her, Dolores Umbridge, her!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Her!
SNAPE: But-
DUMBLEDORE: Her!
SNAPE: But, dear Headmaster, sir, dear Headmaster-
You know she's working as a spy for Fudge the Minister,
And several plans to trump your power she'll administer;
They want you out without a doubt and that's quite sinister!
. . . sure enough . . .
UMBRIDGE: Sinister, sinister . . . we all want you out!
Then comes the critical year of change . . .
DUMBLEDORE (walking into Slughorn's house, where he is hidden): Mr. Slughorn!
SLUGHORN: Albus Dumbledore, leave me alone!
DUMBLEDORE: Horace Slughorn-
SLUGHORN: Dumbledore, I beg of you. I don't want to be involved.
DUMBLEDORE: You taught for years longer than most teachers at Hogwarts, excepting me. I know you've been retired for years, but you possess a happy talent for teaching and could
make remarkable connections to more students. Now, will you brave it . . . or be a coward?
SLUGHORN: A coward.
DUMBLEDORE: No!
SLUGHORN: But I fear, Dumbledore!
DUMBLEDORE: So do I, H. Slughorn!
SLUGHORN: You? You do?
SNAPE: Sir!
SLUGHORN: Who'd have thought it?
DUMBLEDORE: Mr. Slughorn, yes, Mr. Slughorn-
I'm getting older now and I can see the end is near.
I need more help now, so won't you come and volunteer?
It's taking flight without a fight that I do truly fear!
SNAPE: Truly fear, truly fear, truly, truly fear-
DUMBLEDORE: Quiet! Now, you'll teach it, H. Slughorn?
SLUGHORN: You mean Potions, Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes!
SNAPE: Him?
DUMBLEDORE: Yes.
SNAPE: Wait-
DUMBLEDORE: He'll teach Potions, Severus. And you'll teach Defense-you'll teach Defense, dammit!
It takes a moment for this to sink in (which is worse, after all . . . hearing that Snape was made Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, or that Dumbledore said, "Dammit!"?).
SNAPE: Dear Headmaster, thank you, dear Headmaster.
I was a Death Eater before; that cannot be denied.
But you've forgiven me, and given me my class of pride!
DUMBLEDORE: Class of pride!
SNAPE: But dear Headmaster, that won't stop my plan of homicide!
. . . and, oh, how he was right . . .
DUMBLEDORE: Homicide, homicide . . . it didn't stop the death!