Elf!

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Help!

THE SCENE - Lucius Malfoy, frustrated at the lack of cooperation he is getting from his House Elf, sings out his displeasure.

LUCIUS:
Elf! My servant, Dobby.
Elf! Though your knees are knobby,
Elf! Get here this minute! Elf!

The Malfoy Manor, with its chambers by the score,
Needs constant cleaning. Look! There's dirt here on the floor!
I need my jacket pressed, the litter box needs dumping.
Feed the ghoul, vacuum the pool, and polish up the door.

Elf! Take those cobwebs down off the ceiling.
Milk the cow and fix the barn, the paint is peeling.
Elf! Get me some tea, make it Darjeeling.
Worthless, Elf! So help me!

Pour me a brandy now, you know how that relaxes.
Helpful is what you should be like that house elf of the Blacks is.
Clean out the parlour flue, the bathroom pipes need caulking,
Rewind the clocks and wash my socks, the Sphinx is due a walking.

Elf! You clumsy git, you burned the bacon
My martini should be stirred and never shaken.
Elf, you're Oliver and I'm your Fagin.
Worthless, Elf! So help me!

Mistress Narcissa needs her roots retouched today
When done with that, go feed the bat and polish the buffet.
If you have misbehaved or spoken out unwisely
Bad house elf, punish yourself - the method you devise.

Elf, my ermine robe is needing pressing
Looking good is just the curse of those noblessing.
I'll blame you if I am not impressing.
Worthless Elf! So help me! Dobby, House Elf, oh.

A filk by Gail to the tune The Night Before

KARKAROFF (& DURMSTRANG CHORUS):
Was caught by Mad-Eye (ah...famous Auror)
Sentenced for my crimes (ah...he broke the law)
But to save my skin, I confessed my sins
I'm no longer with Lord Voldemort

I then testified (ah...'gainst Voldemort)
And all his allies (ah...Death Eater corps)
To Crouch I gave names, then my freedom came
I am not a D.E. any more

At Durmstrang I was hired and after some time
I became the Headmaster and everything was fine

Many years went by (ah...twelve years or more)
I hoped he had died (ah..Lord Voldemort)
The mark on my arm was cause for alarm
It meant the return of Voldemort

Snape said, "What's the fuss?", but I was nervous
Don't want to face a mad Voldemort

My fellow Death Eaters I publicly decried
And because of my betrayal I know that I'm despised

I recall the night (ah...couldn't ignore)
I was mortified (ah...was like before)
Dark Mark's burning black, it must mean he's back
Had to run and flee from Voldemort
Flee from Voldemort

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of The Night Before

HARRY:
Hallway in my mind
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
Desperate to find
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
Somewhere on this floor
One specific door
Stay out of my dreams, Lord Voldemort!

Evil you demise
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
I could not surmise
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
You were using me
To reach the prophecy
Stay out of my dreams, Lord Voldemort!

Snake bite was a fright
That still nearly makes me cry
When I saw Arthur attacked
I thought that he would die!

Now I'm in a scrape
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
With Severus Snape
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
Dumbledore's decree?
Learn Occlumency!
Stay out of my dreams, Lord Voldemort!

You were using me
To reach the prophecy
Stay out of my dreams, Lord Voldemort!

Snake bite was a fright
That still nearly makes me cry
When I saw Arthur attacked
I thought that he would die!

Hallway in my mind
(ahh, Lord Voldemort)
Desperate to find (ahh, Lord Voldemort)
Somewhere on this floor
One specific door
Stay out of my dreams, Lord Voldemort!
Lord Voldemort!

A filk by Gail to the tune of You've Got To Hide Your Love Away

GINNY:
Here I stand, book in hand
Tom Riddle's diary
Riddle he wrote to me
But I was deceived

Everywhere students scared
'Cause of Slytherin's heir
I suspect, now I reject
And I must declare

Hey, I've got to throw this book away
Hey, I've got to throw this book away

Can't believe I was naive
Tom controlling me
Opened the Chamber of
Secrets, now I see

So much fear from this book here
Everyone's at threat
Have a thought, I just ought
To throw it in the toilet

Hey, I've got to throw this book away
Hey, I've got to throw this book away

Repeat chorus until exhausted.

A filk by Gail to the tune of I Need You

McGONAGALL:
Potter and Black's friend when he was at school
Hero-worshiped them, though they'd ridicule
As far as talent-wise, he didn't match their size
Pettigrew

FUDGE:
He found Sirius and tried to corner
Didn't have a chance, he was a goner
Peter wasn't as fast: he was caught in the blast
He was through

McGONAGALL:
That boy was a fool
Should have left Black to the Ministry
He could never duel
I'm feeling so bad, for treating Peter so sharply

FUDGE:
In a Muggle street, said an eye-witness
They had heard poor Pete sobbing in distress
He loudly called the names of Lily and of James
"How could you?"

That's when Black did it
Peter didn't even have a prayer
I'll never forget
The scene on that day: screaming and bodies everywhere

Once the curse was cast by Black the traitor
What was left behind inside the crater?
His blood-stained garment and
A fragment from his hand
Pettigrew
Pettigrew
Pettigrew

A filk by Gail to the tune of Another Girl

THE SCENE: Diagon Alley. RON meets up with HERMIONE and HARRY while shopping for school supplies.

RON:
Oh yeah I've bought another wand, another wand

My parents they sent me out on the first day of school
I needed a wand but we couldn't afford one that's new
So Charlie gave me the old one that he had got
But now I've bought another wand, another wand

It was a battered looking wand, chipped in places too
Unicorn hair was poking out, not of much value
I shouldn't complain but I really hated it a lot
But now I've bought another wand

Another wand, fourteen inches made of willow
And in the core a hair from a unicorn's tail

By accident my old wand snapped, broken right in two
I tried spell-o-tape to fix it, but it wouldn't do
Each time I tried it the spell would be a big flop
But now I've bought another wand

Another wand, fourteen inches made of willow
And in the core a hair from a unicorn's tail

I have to tell you that I'm so happy with this thing
Now I can cast spells without fear of it exploding
And I just picked it up at Ollivander's shop
Yes I have bought another wand, another wand, another wand.

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Another Girl

HARRY, still recovering from his quest to save the Sorcerer's Stone, replies to Ron and Hermione's questions about his run-in with the Dark Lord.

HARRY:
Lord Voldemort was stuck to Quirrell, was stuck to Quirrell.
Compelled me to stay and view what Erised would show
Impart what I saw, immortality to bestow
I ain't no fool, that Sorc'rer's Stone I didn't want
Lord Voldemort was stuck to Quirrell, was stuck to Quirrell

He's meaner than all the Dark Lords I plan to eschew
The time of his recompense has been long overdue
That's why I'm telling you that he had to be stopped
Lord Voldemort was stuck to Quirrell

Was stuck to Quirrell who then met a nasty end
Another fortune might have led us to be friends

I guess I could say that I've been unhappy, it's true
But after today, well I've got perspective that's new
I ain't no fool, that Sorc'rer's Stone I didn't want
Lord Voldemort was stuck to Quirrell

Was stuck to Quirrell who then met a nasty end
Another fortune might have led us to be friends

I guess I could say that I've been unhappy, it's true
But after today, well I've got perspective that's new
I ain't no fool, that Sorc'rer's Stone I didn't want
Lord Voldemort was stuck to Quirrell, was stuck to Quirrell, was stuck to Quirrell

A filk by Gail to the tune of You're Going to Lose that Girl

OLIVER WOOD & (the GQT):
We cannot lose this game (no, no, we cannot lose this game)
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game

I will be leaving at the end of this my final year
(He's going to disappear)
Therefore I fully do intend to win, but still I fear
(We're not yet in the clear)

We cannot lose this game (no, no, we cannot lose this game)
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game

If we don't win this match, today, against House Slytherin
(They are bloody vermin)
Won't have another chance to play, and so we've got to win
(We'll do it, my Merlin!)

We cannot lose this game (no, no, we cannot lose this game)
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this ...

We've got the best ruddy team in this Hogwarts school (That's 'cause we're cool) yeah
If we don't win it, fate then would be cruel

guitar solo

...we cannot lose this game...
...we cannot lose this game...

We cannot lose this game (no, no, we cannot lose this game)
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game

The best Chasers, and Beaters that can't be beat (You're also neat)
yeah
And a fine Seeker who's not lost a meet

So Harry you can't catch the Snitch 'till we're fifty points up
(Till we're fifty points up)
If you don't then we'll win the match but we will lose the Cup
(We will not lose the Cup!)

We cannot lose this game (no, no, we cannot lose this game)
We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game) this game

We cannot lose (no, no, we cannot lose this game)...this...game!

To the tune of Ticket to Ride

THE SCENE: Four Privet Drive. VERNON & PETUNIA are alarmed by a persistent series of letters addressed to their nephew

VERNON
Today at my Privet pad
I choked on my toast, yeah.
A note for that Potter lad
Jus' came in the post.

I've got a letter to hide.
I've got a letter to hi-hi-hide
I've got a letter to hide
I don't know where

PETUNIA
He once stayed under the steps
We just moved him out, yeah.
This note we now intercept
Shows that they found out

BOTH
We've got some letters to hide.
We've got some letters to hi-hi-hide
We've got some letters to hide
We don't know where

DUDLEY
I don't know why they're writing this guy

HARRY
A letter addressed
A letter suppressed from me

DUDLEY
Despite my threats my folks won't comply

HARRY & DUDLEY
A letter they shred
A letter unread by me

HARRY
I think that I've got a plan
Get up with the birds, yeah.
First up to greet the postman
And scan all those words, yeah.

Ah, I want that letter to read.
I want that letter to re-re-read.
I want that letter to read.
It's my affair.

I don't know what is now underfoot
It's quite a surprise.
It has these two eyes, dear me!

On Vernon's face my shoe I just put,
He wants to stand guard
To keep these notes barred from me.

VERNON
You think that sneakin' downstairs
Will earn you some views, yeah
These notes they sent, I declare,
You'll never peruse.

Ah, I've got more letters to hide.
I've got more letters to hi-hi-hide.
I've got more letters to hide,
And am I scared!.

HARRY & DURSLEYS
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....
Letters from nowhere....

A few seconds of silence after the fadeout, after which several dozen letters plummet out of the fireplace.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Act Naturally

NEVILLE:
I'm taking classes here at Hogwarts
But I'm finding out that it's not that easy
Keep messing up even the simplest charms
All I ever do is act clumsily

Well one day I'm gonna be a wizard
As good as Merlin, you can never tell
Everybody's going to be astonished
As soon as I learn how to cast spells

Well I hope that one day I'll become a wizard
And not a disgrace to my family
My grandmother keeps putting on the pressure
'Cause all I ever do is act clumsily

In Potions Class I keep melting all the cauldrons
I'm really only good at Herbology
Professor Flitwick's feeling quite frustrated
'Cause all I ever do is act clumsily

Well I've never been really good at magic
Almost a squib, that is what I am
My memory's bad, what's that incantation?
I'm surprised I even pass my exams

Well some say that I have a lot of potential
And soon I'll show my true ability
The greatest student that ever came to Hogwarts
But until that time I guess I'll act clumsily

A filk by Jason LeBouef to the tune of Act Naturally

In celebration of the film release of PoA, Sirius wants to sing something for us all..

SIRIUS
They're gonna put me in a movie
They're gonna make a big star out of me
Gonna make a film about a man that's mad and angry
And all I gotta do is act magically

Well I bet you, I'm gonna be a big star
Played by a Muggle this much I can tell
The movie's gonna make me a big star
Cause Gary plays the part so well

Well, I hope you come and see me in the movie
And I'm sure, you can plainly see
The biggest git that ever hit the big time
And all I gotta do is act magically

They'll make a film about an Azkaban escapee
Avenge the murder of Harry's family
I'll blow apart and Ron will need some nursing
And all I gotta do is act magically

repeat chorus

A filk by Gail to the tune of It's Only Love

DOBBY:
'Mione leaves clothes so they'll be freed secretly
It's her dream but we elves see her scheme - they're angry
Feeling really peeved that she's concealing clothes

She leaves these clothes, they are appalled
The elves say that she's being dumb
She doesn't know what names she's called
'Cause they don't want their freedom

When Dobby sees clothes he's very pleased - says, "Yippie!"
He agrees to keep the tower clean from debris
He keeps every piece though he's teased for it

These clothes she leaves, Dobby takes all
Though Dobby's always being shunned
The elves perceive they're not enthralled
But Dobby's the exception
Yes, Dobby's the only one
Only one

A filk by Gail to the tune of You Like Me Too Much

SHACKLEBOLT:
As the whole Department's trying, down to every single man,
To locate Sirius Black and bring him back to Azkaban

They'll never find him, though we try to trace
'Cause Kingsley Shaklebolt is on the case

There's a map in my office dotted with little red pins
To indicate all the places where we suspect Black has been

But actually he's safe at Grimmauld Place
'Cause Kingsley Shacklebolt is on the case

It's a disgrace
But that's the way that it must be
And so, thus we

Follow diff'rent leads, that take us all across the land
Like Black's really Stubby Boardman, the lead singer in a band

Sometimes it's hard to maintain a straight face
While Kingsley Shacklebolt is on the case

piano solo

'Cause Kingsley Shacklebolt is on the case

Around we race
And it's fortunate they trust me
If they'd just see

Sirius is innocent, but we don't have the proof
And the Minister's a moron who won't listen to the truth,

And so they are led on this wild goose chase
While Kingsley Shacklebolt is on the case

While Kingsley Shacklebolt is on the case

A filk by Gail to the tune of Tell Me What You See

HARRY:
Hid inside an empty room, was trying to hide
In the corner, through the gloom, saw what was inside
Looked into the mirror, and looking back at me
It couldn't be clearer, was my family

Mom and Dad and others who I have never known
Relatives standing there too, the magic mirror showed
Looked into the mirror, and I saw this scene
It couldn't be clearer, was my family
Mirror of Erised

Mesmerized by what I saw I was almost blind
Didn't notice Dumbledore was standing right behind
Dumbledore he told me what the mirror shows
It's not reality, it's but a shadow
Mirror of Erised

Shows us our desires, it seems, but it's addictive
It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live
Looked into the mirror, don't have to inquire
It couldn't be clearer, my deepest desire
Hm hm hm hm hm

A filk by Gail to the tune I've Just Seen a Face

THE SCENE: Madam Pomfrey's infirmary. HARRY broods over his disastrous encounters with the Dementors.

HARRY:
I've just heard a voice
Inside my head I had no choice I heard it say
When the Dementors came during that last Quidditch game we played
"Oh, no no no no no!"

Outside in the pouring rain
Now my life will never be the same it was my mother's cry
The last thing that she said before she died
Why, why, why, why, why, why?

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

I had never known the circumstance
Behind her death but by mischance I came to realize
She protected me from Voldemort that night
She died died died di-di-died

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

I've just heard a voice
Inside my head I had no choice I heard it say
When the Dementors came during that last Quidditch game we played
"Oh no no no no no!"

Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Falling, off my broom, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"
Oh, Falling, yes I am, falling, and Mum is calling, "No, not Harry!"

A filk by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to the tune of the Beatles' Yesterday

THE SCENE: Unknown. Enter (?) the dis-integrated spirit of VOLDEMORT

VOLDEMORT
Yesterday, all my troubles were a scar away.
Now it seems a boy I could not slay
Makes me believe in Yesterday.

Suddenly, I'm not half the Lord I used to be,
I lack any corporality.
Oh, Yesterday came suddenly.

Why I had to go I don't know I couldn't say.
I cursed somehow wrong, now I long for Yesterday.

Yesterday, vice was such an easy game to play.
Now I need a place to hide away.
Oh, I believe in Yesterday.

A filk by Ginger to the tune of Yesterday

Scene: The Shrieking Shack

TRIO
Sirius,
Haunted by the threat of Habeus,
You left Azakaban and caused a fuss
And now you want belief from us?

Pettigrew
Left his finger as the only clue
When that Muggle street was torn in two.
They say you work for You Know Who.

Harry's Mum and Dad -oh, how sad,
Did not survive.
And you say it's true; Pettigrew
Is still alive.

Remus J.
Came and magicked all our wands away.
Since the fellow knows D.A.D.A.
We'll hear what you have got to say.

If you say the rat's where it's at,
Then spells commence.
Set your wands aglow and please show
The evidence.

Sirius,
Have you got us in a Confundus?
(Ron) I think my dad mentioned Imperius.
(All) Can we believe you, Sirius?

Transformation of Scabbers/Pettigrew

(All) Yes, we believe you, Sirius!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Dizzy Miss Lizzy

RON:
I want some Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, the candy I adore
I want some Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, I eat them by the score
Yeah, Fizzing Whizzbees, shore would like some more

Can't stand Cockroach Clusters, think they're really gross
Just give me Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, nothing else comes close
Such a great tasting candy, man, I really dig them the most

They're great these Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, I'm on a sugar high
Oooooo, Whizzbees, say that they're alright
Come on, come on, come on, candy
I wanna get some tonight

Buy them at Honeydukes, in the village of Hogsmeade
Buy them at the candy store, down at Diagon Alley
Those crazy Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, It's what I want to eat

Come on give me candy, say it really tastes good
I love those Fizzing Fizz Whizzbees, man, it's understood
If I could eat these candies all day, you know there's no doubt that I would