The Black Album

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of Back in the USSR by Paul MCCartney, which is, itself, a parody of songs by the Beach Boys and Chuck Berry's Back in the USA. See - even the Beatles did song parodies!

THE SCENE: The Grounds of Hogwarts. SIRIUS, in the form of Padfoot, relates his story to a sympathetic friend

Just swam in from Azkaban,
I'm on the run, hidin' out both day and night
Headed straight for Privet Drive to see Harry,
Afraid I gave him quite a fright!

I'm back in the Wizarding world,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Back in the Wizarding world!

Headed straight for Hogsmeade, hardly knew the place,
Dementors on most every track.

Nosed around village, picking up the news,
Hid out in the shrieking shack!

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Back with the Wizards, back, I'm a Wizard,
Black's in the Wizarding World!

Still those Ministry Men want to find me out,
They scour the countryside,
Dementors guard the Hogwarts grounds,
Where Wormtails always on my my my my my my my my my mind!

Oh, come on, Hu Hey Hu, hey, ah, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Here in the Wizarding world.

Still those Ministry Men want to find me out,
They scour the countryside,
Dementors guard the Hogwarts grounds,
Where Wormtail's always on my my my my my my my my my mind!

I've got to get to Pettigrew that dirty rat,
Before he can do Harry harm,
If I can get the passwords then I'll just sneak in,
Then Peter, boy, you'll buy the Farm!

I'm back in the Wizarding World,
You are so lucky for sure, boy
Here in the Wizarding world!

Back in the Wizarding world,
Oh, let me tell you Crookshanks!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Dear Prudence

Scene: LUCIUS MALFOY is talking to his son inside Borgin & Burkes

LUCIUS
Not prudent - better watch what you say
You shouldn't give your thoughts away
I've told you this time and again
Couldn't have made myself more plain
These blatant thoughts of yours will betray

Your treatment of Harry Potter
Important, you must remember
To appear less then fond of him
Would seem to be a mortal sin
This dissent needs to be hidden better

Ignorant people think they know
This moment Potter's a hero
Most of our kind hold him as dear
He made the Dark Lord disappear
It's urgent that you keep quiet, Draco

HARRY who is hiding inside a large black cabinet, sees Draco coming closer and is afraid that he will be discovered.

HARRY (under his breath)
Go away, way
Go away, way, way
Go away

LUCIUS (to Mr. Borgin):
The recent raids by the Ministry
They haven't touched my family
Wizard blood and ancestry
Counting for less, but not with me
Impudent, Muggle-loving Weasley

A filk by Gail to the tune of Glass Onion

Jo's written 'bout the Forbidden Forest
Of course we know 'bout Hogwarts the best
Well there's a new place Harry will go
Where it is we don't know
Thinking it might be Azkaban
Or maybe Godric's Hollow
I can't wait for Book Five to come

Where is Lupin the werewolf and Sirius?
And Snape's mission? That we can only guess
And remember the clues on that card?
It's gonna be hard
How many days before it comes? - yeah
Counting down 'till June 21st - yeah
I can't wait for Book Five to come

Oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeah
I can't wait for Book Five to come

I've done the filk The Bug On The Sill
But there's a lot of songs out there still
Soon there will be more to write about
Of this there's no doubt
Gathering all the Old Crowd now
Fighting against Voldemort - yeah
I can't wait for Book Five to come

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da

Voldemort's a Dark Lord, power on the rise,
Albus is a leader for the light
The Potters are the subject of a prophecy,
And on Halloween there's gonna be a fight

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
A flash of green and life is done!

Voldy takes the Knight Bus to a hollow dark
Has some special magic up his sleeve
Gonna share it with the Potters so he blasts the door
And as he gives it to them he is heard to sing:

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
A cold high laugh, your life is done!

Thus Ol' Voldy invaded the Potters' home,
Set on killing James and his kid
Tho Lily he might let alone....
(Mbaha ha ha ha ha ha!)

Ol' Voldy zapped the father with a flourish grand,
Turned to do the same to James young heir,
But Lily chose that moment for to make her stand
"No Not Harry!" Oh the Dark Lord best beware....

A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
Give it up cuz' your life's done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, your life's gone, Ha!
You foolish girl, your life is done!

With a flash of green the fatal spell was cast
Bouncin' off the child, the spell went wild
And Voldy succumbed to the blast!
(Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!)

Yeah, happy ever, word spreads wide and far
Fireworks and dancing in the street,
Celebrate the infant with the lightning scar
Toast him for the Evil Lord's defeat!

Yeah, A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, Voldys gone, Ha!
Give a cheer! The dark reigns done!
A-va-da, Ke-da-vra, Poof! He's gone!, Ha!
A flash of green and Voldy's gone!!

Sing out and Shout Huzzah!
Here's to the Boy Who Lived!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Wild Honey Pie

RON:
Honeydukes (repeat oh, about 8 times or so)

I love you!

A filk by Nuri to the tune of Ob-la-di, Ob-la-da

Arthur has a Burrow, it's a lovely place
Molly has the ginger in her hair
Arthur says to Molly, "Girl, I like your face"
And Molly says this as she takes him by the hand

MOLLY:
I'm pregnant, I will soon have a son, bra
We will name him Bill, for sure.
I'm pregnant, I will soon have a son, bra
We will name him Bill, for sure.

Arthur goes to Diagon Alley in his Ford
Buys a second-hand crib for the kid
Takes it back to Molly who's fighting the gnomes
And as he gives it to her she begins to sing:

MOLLY:
I'm pregnant, I will soon have a son, bra
And we'll name him Charles, of course.
I'm pregnant, I will soon have a son, bra
And we'll name him Charles, of course.

In a dozen of years they have built
A home sweet home,
With another four kids running in the yard,
They're Percy, Fred, George and Ron

Happy they live although Voldemort still lurks
Molly lets the children lend a hand
Arthur's in the Ministry, that's where he works,
And in the evening she smiles broadly as she says:

MOLLY:
I'm pregnant, this time I'll have a girl, bra
Ginny's a good name for her

ARTHUR:
We'll have to do contraception charms, bra
'Cause we're running out of cash!

A filk by Ellen Anglin to the tune of The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill

Hey, Sirus Black
There's been an attack!
By Sirus Black !

Back to Griffindor tower the students they all came,
The Lady's canvas hung all ragged in its frame
But when asked who, Peeves knew who was the one to blame!

All the children sing
Hey Sirus Black!
There's been an attack
By Sirus Black!

Deep in the midnight hour when everybody slept,
Into Griffindor Tower a ragged figure crept
Surprised Poor Ronald Weasley and then out the portrait leapt!

All the children sing
Hey, Sirus Black
There's been an attack!
By Sirus Black!

Off to the Shrieking Shack the dog dragged Ron and Rat
Harry was close behind with `Mione and Cat,
Came round the corner and there the Prisoner sat…

All the children sing
Hey, Sirus Black!
It's an attack!
By Sirus Black!

A filk by Gail to the tune While My Guitar Gently Weeps

THE TRIO:
The Sorcerer's Stone we know Snape will be stealing
While Fluffy the dog goes to sleep
Hagrid, at the pub, to that Snape, was revealing
How Fluffy the dog goes to sleep

We all found out about Nick Flamel
Though Hagrid yelled at us
We all found out the Stone's hidden there
Guarded by spells and snares

Just play some music and those eyes will be drooping
As Fluffy the dog goes to sleep
Then off the the Stone Snape will surely be swooping
When Fluffy the dog goes to sleep

We all found out Snape's motivation
And affiliation too
We all found out the implications
And our frustration grew

We'll go through the door and this flute we'll be playing
Then Fluffy the dog goes to sleep
We'll go down the hatch....
While Fluffy the dog goes to sleep

I was going to write "While This Phoenix Gently Weeps" but decided that would be too obvious.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Happiness Is A Warm Gun

He is a man who does not forget
Do do do do do do, oh yeah
He's well acquainted with each wand that he's ever sold
To each and every customer

The man with the store selling wands since three-hundred-eighty two B.C.
Staring with his eyes all the while busy looking for your wand
"The wand chooses the wizard," he says to you looking through the inventory

I need a wand so I'm going down
Down to the best wand shop that is around
I need a wand so I'm going down

Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands
Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands
Mister Ollivander's got the wands, Mister Ollivander's got the wands

Happiness is a new wand (swish swish, flick flick)
Happiness is a new wand (swish swish, flick flick)

(spoken)
When I hold you in my hand
And I feel the magic surge through me
I know that I've found the right one
(sung)
Because happiness is a new wand, mama
Happiness is a new wand, yes it is
Happiness is a new, yes it is, wand

But don't you know that happiness is a new wand, mama

A filk by Maria to the tune of Martha, My Dear

Harry is lying in bed at the hospital wing, after fighting Lord Voldemort in the graveyard. Molly Weasley is tending to him.

MOLLY: Harry, my dear
though you fought to death with Voldemort
Please you have to rest, be a good boy
listen to me, Harry my dear

Lie your head back. Nurse Pomfrey said you need to rest.
if you drink this potion for sleepless dreams
you'll forget the pain until you're all recovered
now you rest.

Stop, do not look around you
Close your eyes, Ron is here for you
Hermione too, and that black dog Dumbledore sent.

Take off your glasses, i'll put them there, and lay your head.
When you left the maze with Diggory
You looked so bad I thought that we would surely lose you,
now you rest.

Harry, my dear, Dumbledore said you've gone through such an ordeal
Please listen to him, you need to sleep
I'll watch over you, Harry my dear.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Martha, My Dear

MOLLY (with Percy playing the piano):
Arthur Weasley
This has always been an irritation
Please, this Muggle stuff, Arthur no more
It has to go, Arthur Weasley

Listen Arthur, you silly man, your foolish sons They took the car and then they flew with it
Telling you that I'm through with it, and with your madness
Silly man

Make a loophole in the law
Make a loophole so you can keep
That rusty heap hidden so deep in the garage
Silly man

The Ministry, you silly man, won't think it's fun
If they find out that you've been using it
And that you've been abusing it, then they'll want justice
Silly man

Arthur Weasley
This has really become an obsession
Please, give it all up, this I implore
Say you'll do so, Arthur Weasley

A filk by Gail to the tune of I'm So Tired

RON (fuming):
I'm so mad, Percy sent me a note
I'm so mad, I tore up what he wrote
Percy acts so arrogant, you should have heard him gloat
Oh, oh, oh!

I'm so mad at what I just have read
I'm so mad, I think he should drop dead
I can't believe my brother, do you know what Percy said?

He said our parents are wrong
And that I'll find out that it won't be long
Until Dumbledore's regime is through
And Harry's friendship I shouldn't pursue
And there'll be changes from the Ministry, so I shouldn't be surprised

I'm so mad, no use in hiding it
You know, I'm so mad, he's why our family's split
Here's what I think of Percy
He's the world's biggest git

Percy tried to encourage
Me to go to Professor Umbridge
If I was troubled by my friend Harry
And that Umbridge was a delightful lady
Dad reckons Fudge only promoted him so he could be his spy
He's broken up our family 'cause of his stupid pride
He's made our father so angry and made our mother cry

A filk by Motone to the tune of I'm So Tired

HARRY
I'm so tired, don't wanna sleep a wink
I'm so tired, it seems my mind is linked
I wonder should I get up and teach myself a jinx
No no no

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do
I'm so tired, my mind is within you
I wonder should I stop you but my friends don't think it's true

They say I'm putting them on
But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
Don't know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
And with all these dreams, I'm going insane
You know I yell at all I got, and just
For a little peace of mind.

I'm so tired, I'm feeling quite upset
Although I'm so tired, my anger has not yet been met
And curse Professor Umbridge,
She is such a stupid git.

She says to write all night long
In detention, it's doing me harm

You know I can't stop, I can't shut my trap
You've known it all year, that Voldemort's back
You know I'd give you everything I got
For a little peace of mind

Give you everything I got
For a look inside your mind.

I'd give you everything I got
Just to protect my mind.

A filk by Ellen Anglin based on Blackbird

White bird sitting in Eyelops Owl Shoppe,
For the Boy who Lived, You'll be just right,

Loyal friend,
You were only waiting for this wizard to arrive.

White Owl flying in the dead of night,
Take this message, bear it faithfully.

On silent wings,
bear your burden safely `cross the land and distant seas,

Hedwig fly, Hedwig fly,
Into the light of the pale moon bright.

Hedwig fly, Hedwig fly,
Into the light of the pale moon bright.

You were only waiting for this wizard to arrive

You were only waiting for your Harry to arrive

A filk by Gail to the tune of Piggies

Dedicated to Frankie and her pet theory, RATS BE DISEASES (Removing A Tail Shouldn't Be Enough: Dudley Is Still Enpigged After Spell-Enduced Shapeshift)

We all know that Dudley Dursley's wide as he is tall
Like a pig is Dudley Dursley, can we all recall
Exactly how it all came to happen?

Vernon Dursley can't stand Hogwarts, said Harry'd have to stay
Hagrid he tracked down the the Dursleys, found their hideaway
Had something to say about their behavior

Hagrid was so mad that he yelled
When Vernon insulted Dumbledore
Hagrid cast a magical spell
Gave Dudley a piggie tail

Later Harry's friends the Weasleys came to Privet Drive
Dudley was so scared of magic, tried so hard to hide
Clutching his back side, afraid of Arthur

A filk by Gail to the tune of Rocky Raccoon

Now somewhere in the wizarding world of England
There lived a warlock named Sirius Black
One day he old friend turned out to be a spy
Caused the Potters to die, Sirius didn't like that
He said, "I'm gonna kill that rat"
The next day he appearated there
Where this person stood in a Muggle neighborhood

Sirius Black, ready to attack
This man who turned into a traitor
Sirius had come holding his wand
To A.K. him for his betrayal
This person, turned out, was really a lout
For Voldemort he tattletaled
His name was Peter, last name Pettigrew
But Sirius knew him as Wormtail

Was Secret Keeper, knew where James and Lil' were
Now Wormtail knew he was in trouble
Sirius scowled, and then with a growl
He said, "Wormtail, this is a duel"
But Wormtail was sly, "How could you?" he cried
And blasted the street right behind him

Now Sirius Black, he finally cracked
And started to laugh hysterically
Wormtail, he made his escape
Killing several Muggles in his wake
And it looked like, yes it looked like Sirius was guilty

The Aurors came in and arrested him
Sent Black to jail without trial
Put the wrong man into Azkaban
And there Sirius stayed for a while

To the tune of Don't Pass Me By

THE SCENE: The Hog's Head Inn. HARRY, expecting only a handful of student inquiries concerning Hermione's proposed extra-curricular DADA classes, is flummoxed when over two dozen fellow students enter.

HARRY (to Hermione):
Just look at all those students
Coming through the door
Look at all those students
You said three or four

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
Waiting for your lecture
In this run-down bar
We must hear it
How you came to be the hero that you are

HARRY
I hear the students asking
How I saved myself
It was not my doing
I had lots of help

CHORUS OF STUDENTS:
But whenever there was a fight
You won and kept your health
You must teach us
How you came to be the hero with the scar

HARRY
Just pass me by, I'm not your guy, I can't teach you
Though I know Umbridge hasn't got a clue
Dark Arts Defense is too intense
The hurdles are so immense
Just pass me by, I'm not your guy, I can't teach you

CHORUS OF STUDENTS
Although some may have doubted you
Your skills are so rare
You flew against dragons
Snakes slew in dark lairs.
We think it would be great
If you were our tutor
And maybe we'll learn with Herm to say
That scary name "Voldemort."

Don't pass us up, no "ifs" or "buts," don't drop the ball
'Cause you know, Harry, we would learn it all
We merely seek to once a week
Enhance defensive spell techniques
Don't pass us up, no "ifs" or "buts" ………..

In my continuing endeavor to see every single Beatle song filked, there are some that are difficult and some that are easy.

This one was TOO easy

A filk by Gail to the tune Why Don't We Do It In The Road?

Imagine poor ol' Neville running around the Gryffindor Common Room in total exasperation, looking for Trevor and interrupting everybody with this question:

NEVILLE:
Has any one seen Trevor toad? (repeat 4 times)
He's always hopping away
Has any one seen Trevor toad?

(repeat two more times)

To the tune of I Will

THE SCENE: Dark Arts Defense. MOODY lectures students on the Imperius Curse, and concludes by using it on Dean Thomas, Lavender Brown and Neville Longbottom.

MOODY:
You-Know-Who longs to own you
Control he would instill
He can use his Imperius
For he wants to rule your will

For if he were to seize you
You'd play his evil game
You'd become a foul Death Eater
In the Voldy Hall of Fame.

Rule you forever and for evil
Rule both your soul and heart
Use you whenever he perceives he'll
Tear your goodness apart.

And now please let me show you
How strong this curse can be
Sing aloud so all can hear you
Make a sound just like a squirrel
Do a triple-turn cartwheel toward me
I rule your will
Your will.

A filk by Pippin to the tune of Julia

Half of what they say is meaningless
But they say she's bound to grease you, Rubeus

Rubeus, Rubeus, something wild mauls him
Will some things with fangs and stings kill Rubeus?

Rubeus, beetle eyes, giant smile, touch me
Will Olympe be bereaved of Rubeus?

I sense his chances growing dimmering
Glimmering, one by one

Rubeus, hippogryphs, flaming skrewts gnaw him
But it's just another day for Rubeus

When I eat his treacle tart
I can't pry my jaws apart, Rubeus

Rubeus, Rubeus thoughts of doom touch me
Must we say a sad farewell to Rubeus

A filk by Gail to the tune of Birthday

HERMIONE:
They've made me a prefect!

HARRY:
They've made Ron one, too yeah

HERMIONE:
They've made Ron a prefect?

RON:
My name's here on this letter

FRED AND GEORGE (to one another):
There must be a defect
In the selection method

FRED:
Oh they've made Ronald a prefect. Perfect

GEORGE:
But our brother's intellect is suspect

FRED AND GEORGE:
I just hope he doesn't expect respect

MRS. WEASLEY (coming into the room, excited):
This is wonderful news! Prefect!

FRED AND GEORGE (to one another):
What a big whoop-de-doo

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect! I am so proud of you! Prefect!

FRED AND GEORGE (getting more and more angry):
Ooooo!

MRS. WEASLEY:
I'll buy you something new! Prefect!

FRED AND GEORGE:
Gonna sp-sp-sp-spew!

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

RON:
Could you get me a broom?

MRS. WEASLEY:
Prefect!

F & G:
Spew!!!!!

(to Ron, after their mother leaves)
They've made you a prefect
We can't neglect you, Ron
Want us to genuflect?
We used to have a good time
But the both of us suspect
Those days are now through

With a loud cracking noise, the twins disapparate out of the room

A filk by Gail to the tune of Yer Blues

HAGRID (jammin' on the electric guitar):

...two..three..

I feel sullen, wanna cry
Tears are fallin' from my eyes
You ask me for the reason
Wooo, I guess I should tell you why

I got the blues: You will find
In today's news, the head line
If you ain't read the story
Wooo, The name on the front page is mine

My mother was a giant
My father was a wizard
So that makes me a half-human
And they say I'm a hazard

You all know how I tried
To be a good instructor
Wooo, but I'm unqualified

The owl keeping bringing posts
In which I am attacked
Tell me I'm a monster
And they say I should be sacked

Depressed - gonna hide
How'd Skeeter know my secret?
Wooo, bet somehow that woman spied

Dumbledore told me
"Don't listen to them
People they still like you
Come on back to work again."

Whatta guy, yeah whatta guy
I'm feelin' better already
Wooo - everything will be alrigh'

A filk by Constance Vigilance to the tune of Yer Blues

As this is a totally depressing and gloomy blues number, it seemed tailor-made for Kreacher.

"Kreacher is cleaning, lives to serve.
Is it true? Is it Harry Potter?
Stopped the Dark Lord.
Kreacher wonders how he did it."

"My poor mistress, oh how she'd cry
My poor mistress, what would she say
If she knew the scum
Nasty brat of a blood traitor it is."

"Smells like a drain
A criminal to boot.
But she's no better
A nasty blood traitor
Messing up my mistress' house.
Mudbloods and werewolves
And traitors and thieves."

"Kreacher said nothing.
He lives to serve
The noble House of Black.
Master was a nasty swine
Not fit to wipe slime
From his mother's boots.
Ooh Mistress, what would she say."

"Master liked his little joke
A disappointment he was.
O my poor mistress
How she hated him
He broke his mother's heart.
Treasures thrown out
They say he's a murderer, too."

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Mother Nature's Son

HARRY:
Marked, a poor young orphan boy, James and Lily's son
Here to thwart the plans of Voldemort for everyone.

See a stygian creature there, what a big surprise!
Listen to the wing-beat of the thestral as he flies.

Find me with my group of friends, James and Lily's son.
Ron, Hermione, they both stay beside me till we've won.

James and Lily's son...

A filk by Gail to the tune of Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me And My Monkey

Think of this as an advertisement for Fred & George's new joke shop...

FRED AND GEORGE (Lee Jordan is ringing the bell):
Come on, come on
Come on, come on

Come on into our store
Come on through the front door
It's on Diagon Alley
We'll be here with our pal, Lee
We're the Weasleys, we're the Weasleys
We've got all the jokes that you'd want to buy at Weasley Wizard Wheezes

Eat the orange half - then you'll start to puke
To stop puking you - eat the purple half
So come on, come on

Buy a Skiving Snackbox
We've got plenty in stock
Some will make your nose bloody
Give boils or a sore tummy
It is funny, it is funny

We've got all the jokes that you'd want to buy at Weasley Wizard Wheezes

You put on this hat - and your head disappears
Your head reappears - when you take off the hat
So come on, come on

Buy a Portable Swamp
And fireworks that don't stop

FRED:
My name is Fred Weasley

GEORGE:
My name is George Weasley

FRED AND GEORGE:
We're the Weasleys, we're the Weasleys
We've got all the jokes that you'd want to buy at Weasley Wizard Wheezes

Come on, come on, come on, come on....

A filk by Gail to the tune Sexy Sadie

WINKY:
Master Barty, what is you doing?
You is getting us in trouble
You is getting us in trouble
Master Barty, ohhh what is you doing?

Master Barty, please say no more
You isn't ought to tell no one
You isn't ought to tell no one
Master Barty, ohhh please say no more

That Quidditch game Winky is convincing to your father
Ought to allow Master Barty to go
Master Barty, Winky did not realize

Master Barty, you then broke free
Winky is almost letting you escape
Winky is almost letting you escape
Master Barty, ohhh you then broke free

Master Barty, you is a bad boy
You is killed your own father
You is killed your own father
Master Barty, ohhh you is a bad boy

Master Crouch was keeping you at home under Imperius
But Winky keeps her Master's secrets
Master Barty, you is making everything worse

You is getting us in trouble, Master Barty
You is killed your own father

A filk by Gail to the tune of Helter Skelter

Popularized by Charles Manson...(oh, that was mean of me)

HARRY:
You come up to me and you say that you're wanting a quote
Then I look and I see what your magic quill wrote
I'm surprised what I see, it's all nothing but lies
Yeah, yeah, yeah

"What made you decide to enter, now?
We all know that you really weren't allowed
There's no need to be scared 'bout getting in trouble
You know our readers really love a rebel"
Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, yeah

"Are you, aren't you feeling a bit nervous?
Would you say you're being ambitious?
Tell me can you remember your parents?
How'd you think they'd feel at this moment?"
Watch out! Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter

The next day I read the news clip in the Daily Prophet
You have twisted my words, this is not what I said
Everyone's mad at me, I don't want to see you again!
Yeah, yeah, yeah

"How did your past trauma affect you?
Do you now feel you've something to prove?
Tell me, tell me, tell me," you ask
"How do you feel 'bout the upcoming tasks?"
Watch out! Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter, Rita Skeeter

Watch out! Rita Skeeter, she's writing down lies
Yes she is, yes, she's publishing lies.

DRACO (yelling):
HARRY POTTER REALLY STINKS!

A filk by Gail to the tune of Long, Long, Long

I'm going to be singing this one while waiting in line for my copy!

It's been a long, long, long time
Can't believe that it's true
The fifth volume

This sure's a long, long, long line
Now I'll be happy soon
Standing in queue

About three years I have waited
Now it is here, I'm elated oh oh

Now I can see it, own it
Not long until I read it
How I've wanted it

Coming in June
Order of the Phoenix
Makes its debut

A filk by Gail to the tune of Revolution

ARTHUR (with an attitude):
I'm pushing for Muggle protection
Well you know
It's 'bout time we changed things 'round
You say the law needs no correction
Well you know
Let me tell you what I've found
When I see wizards abusing Muggles
I just have to put a stop to it
Because you know I gotta do what's right
What's right, what's right

You think pure-blood is the perfection
Well you know
I am not playing along
You treat Muggles like an infection
Well you know
That thinking is just plain wrong
But when you've got money and think that because you're rich
You can control every wizard and witch
Don't you know I've gotta do what's right
What's right, what's right

You say that you have an objection
Well you know
We all have our point of view
You talk about natural selection
Well you know
I don't want to argue with you
But when you go wearing tattoos with snakes and skulls
All I can say, Lucius, is go to hell
'Cause you know that I gotta do what's right
What's right, what's right

A filk by Gail to the tune of Honey Pie

He was a Death Eater with Lord Voldemort
Now he's mixing potions beside Dumbledore
All of the Snape fans out there are who I'm speaking for:

Severus, you have caught my attention
Would you give me detention? There I could speak my mind

Oh, Severus, I think that you're Dead Sexy
If you want you can hex me anyplace, anytime

I don't agree with the way you treat Harry
But when you're acting snarky then I can feel my heart beat

Oh, Severus, your actions are a complex thing
I find it so perplexing - but still I think you're fine
Severus, I think you're fine

Oooo! Yeah!

I like him like that, ooo-ah!

I like him dark and mysterious, dark and mysterious...does something to me,
That sexy Potions Master

Will we learn by the last book of the series
The reason for you leavin' Voldy?
De, de, de

Now, Severus, in you Dumbledore's trusting
I feel this song I must sing: won't you please be mine?
Please, please be mine Severus Snape!

Severus, Severus

A filk by Gail to the tune of Savoy Truffle by George Harrison

The Scene: On the Hogwarts Express, Harry's third year at Hogwarts.

HERMIONE (keenly): Do you know much about Hogsmeade? I've read it's the only entirely non-Muggle settlement in Britain...
RON (off-handedly): Yeah, I think it is, but that's not why I want to go. I just want to get inside Honeydukes!
HERMIONE: What's that?
RON (as a dreamy look comes over his face): It's a sweetshop where they've got everything.....

RON (singing)
Peppermint creams. shaped like a toad
Cauldron cakes you can get a la mode
Sugar Quills that you can suck during class
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

Many Flavored Beans and a nice pumpkin tart
I can taste it now, just at the thought
Fizzing Whizzbees which you can purchase in mass
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

HARRY:
I hate to break the news to you
But my permission form
Did not come through

RON:
We'll find a way to get you there
'Coz you can't miss this place
It's way too cool

Drooble's Blowing Gum, Exploding Bonbons
Cockroach Clusters and Licorice Wands
Pepper Imps, it's really a blast
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes

HERMIONE:
McGonagall will sign if you ask
Or maybe someone else
When we get back
And don't think about sneaking out
Because you've forgotten 'bout
Sirius Black

RON (ignoring her):
Peppermint creams, shaped like a toad
Cauldron cakes you can get a'la mode
Sugar Quills that you can suck during class
And we'll get this all and even more
By going to Honeydukes
Yes, we'll get this all and even more
Just by going to Honeydukes

A filk by Gail to the tune of Cry Baby Cry

HARRY:
"I heard you cry.
Not this brave at night."
His face looked strangely triumphant...

Walking back to home now, it was night time
Took a shortcut with Dudley
Between the fence and garage, muffled footsteps
Then my cousin spoke to me:

"I heard you cry,"
He said with delight
"You're talking in your sleep, moaning.
You cried, Harry, why?"

A cold plunging sensation in my stomach
'Cause I knew Dudley had heard
I told him he was lying but he smiled
As he mimicked my own words

"I heard you cry
You know that I'm right
Sobbing for someone named Cedric
You cried, Harry, why?"

Then Dudley, acting nasty, smirked and asked me
If Cedric was my boyfriend
I told him then to stop it but his leering
And his jeering didn't end

"I heard you cry
How Cedric had died
'He's killed him, Mum and Dad, help me!'
You cried late that night"

I pointed my wand at him and threatened him
With fourteen years worth of hate
I wanted to curse Dudley right then and there
But I had to hesitate

My cousin cried,
"Who turned out the lights?"
I didn't cast any magic
So I wondered why

I, I realized
Dementors were nearby
Two of them were coming closer
'Cause I felt them glide

My, my, my
Cousin was terrified
He stared running right at them
Then I loudly cried:

"Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, you have to come on back! Dudley come on back!

Dudley, come on back, don't run away
Dudley, come on back..."

A filk by Maria to the tune of Revolution Number Nine

The Scene: Azkaban. SIRIUS BLACK is incarcerated and being mentally tortured by the Dementors with the horrible memories for his past (which include his participation during the Voldemort War, going to school at Hogwarts, and Quidditch matches of long ago). But just yesterday he was given a newspaper from the Minister of Magic. SIRIUS saw the rat's picture and he's at Hogwarts. It has become an obsession now, to escape from Azkaban and seek revenge against the person who betrayed his trust. And so, even though these memories keep flashing in his mind, SIRIUS keeps himself focused by repeating the name of this individual over and over again...

SIRIUS: Pettigrew...Pettigrew...Pettigrew...

A filk by Maria to the tune of Good Night

Harry has just left number 4 Privet Drive, after inflating Aunt Marge. As he finds himself in the street, alone, he wonders...

HARRY:
I ran out of Privet Drive
They got me mad.
Floating high was Aunt Marge
Like a huge fly.
Now I will be expelled....
Now where will I stay...

I saw something in the dark
t'was huge and black
I fell over my trunk
Flat on my back.
As I fell, my arm
reached out with my wand.

Flashing lights point at me
Knight Bus is here
Stan Shunpike and Ernie
They welcome me.
I'll go to London
The Leaky Cauldron.

Knight Bus, Knight Bus will take me
Anytime, anywhere
Knight Bus.

A filk by Pixieberry to the tune of Good Night

Voldemort, closing his eyes and entering Harry's mind sings:

VOLDEMORT:
Now it's time to say good night
Good night, sleep tight.
Harry, do turn out the light,
Good night, sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Through the Ministry we'll soar.
Good night, sleep tight.

Down the hallway, find the door.
Good night, sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Little Harry dream with me.
Good night, sleep tight.
We shall find the prophecy.
Good night sleep tight.
Dream my dreams with me,
I'll dream my dreams with you.

Goodnight, good night Harry Potter,
Go and find the prophecy,
Good night.