R.A.B. Soul

A filk by Gail to the tune of Drive My Car

HARRY:
Tried to get on the train back to school
But the gateway wouldn't let us go through
Lost all hope and I started to fear
But then Ron thought of a great idea

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
You know that Ford Anglia
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
And it will be cool

HARRY:
Well, at first it was lots of fun
But hunger and boredom finally won
Then the engine started to whine
Wished I was on that ol' rail line

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Moves just like a shooting star
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
We'll make it to school

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

RON:
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
Hogwarts can not be that far
Harry, we can fly Dad's car
But I'm worried, too

HARRY:
The engine died and we lost all control
Then we crashed in the Whomping Willow
Snape he almost had us expelled
Then Ron's Mom sent him the Howler from hell

MRS. WEASLEY (Howler):
WHO SAID YOU COULD TAKE THE CAR?
MoM'S INVESTIGATING YOUR PA!
YOU BOTH COULD HAVE DIED IN THAT CAR!
I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!

FORD ANGLIA:
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah
Beep beep'm beep beep, yeah

A filk by Allemande to the tune of the Beatles' Drive My Car

PETER:
Asked a man what he wanted to be,
He said, Peter, can't you see?
I wanna be famous, the scare of G.B.
And you can do something good for me:

Peter, you can feed my snake
Yes I'm gonna be a quake
Peter, you can feed my snake
And maybe I'll keep you

I told that man that my prospects were good,
He said, Peter, it's understood,
Working for Albus is all very fine
But I can show you a better time

Peter, you can feed my snake
Human bones and bits of steak
Peter, you can feed my snake
And maybe I'll spare you

Beep beep mm, beep beep yeah!

I told that man I could start right away,
And he said listen, Pete, I've got something to say,
I'm full of greed and I don't have a heart,
But I've found a traitor and that's a start

Peter, you can feed my snake
Trusting me is no mistake
Peter, you can feed my snake
And I will reward you...

Beep beep mm, beep beep yeah!

A filk by Gail to the tune of You Won't See Me

HARRY (Ron, Ginny, Hermione and all the rest who couldn't see the thestrals):
When we all approached
The carriages
I saw at our coach
These images
Yes, I saw them there
I couldn't help but stare
But I became aware
That they don't see them (We don't see them)
They don't see them (We don't see them)

Heads shaped like dragons
Pupil-less eyes
With bat-like wings and
Reptilian hides
Just like skeletons
I wondered what my friends
Would think about them
But they can't see them (We can't see them)
They can't see them (We can't see them)

Year after year
Those coaches didn't need horses
They were all steered
And pulled by magical forces
I asked Ron what he
Thought of those things
But he couldn't see
Was he kidding?
Then Luna Lovegood
Said she also could
See where those creatures stood
Why can't they see them? (We can't see them)
They can't see them (We can't see them)

In Hagrid's class
He explained about the thestrals
We were aghast
In the forest these creatures dwell
People think thestrals
Are unlucky
But we heard him tell
Why few can see
They come into sight
When you've see someone die
Which then explains why I
Could only see them (We can't see them)
I can see them (We can't see them)

A filk by Pippin to the tune of The Beatle's Nowhere Man

ENTER Jo, wearing a false goatee, accompanied by armed guards and suitcases

JKR:
Listen all you Evans fans
Sitting out in cyberland
You've made all your Evans plans
for nobody

Doesn't have a destiny
Hasn't got a pedigree
Isn't he a bit like you and me

Common name, I promise,
Just like Brown or Thomas
Just a lad who needed a name
I thought would be bland

Load the kids into the van
Soon we'll be Bolivian
Evans fans can you forgive it all

Neither herring nor a clue
Maybe I'll head for Peru
Sorry Evans fans, he's just a nobody (3x)

A filk by Gail to the tune of Nowhere Man

HOGWARTS PROFESSORS:
We don't like Gilderoy
He thinks he's a real playboy
What he does is just annoy
Everybody

Always shares his point of view
Says that he knows what to do
Everyone knows it's not true at all

Gilderoy, it is clear
Such a fake...why's he here?
Gilderoy, all of us can
See right through his ploy

He's a fop, we guarantee
With his smile in Witch Weekly
Gilderoy, he's such a smarmy person

Gilderoy always lies
All his books are plagiarized
Gilderoy, nothing he wrote
Is the real McCoy

Doesn't have a single clue
Knows not what he's going to do
Cannot even put two and two together

Gilderoy, go away
You're worthless, do not stay
Leave us all, if you did that we
would be filled with joy

We don't like Gilderoy
He thinks he's a real playboy
What he does is just annoy
Everybody

What he does is just annoy everybody
What he does is just annoy everybody

Does anybody remember the Beatles' animated Yellow Submarine? You know the scene, during this song, where the Nowhere Man is going around and around, waving goodbye and weeping as the Beatles are leaving him? I always cry at that scene.

A filk by Gail to the tune of Think For Yourself

Scene: SNAPE'S office

SNAPE:
I know you're lying to me
No part of you should be in Hogsmeade
We're trying to keep you well
But famous Harry Potter is a law unto himself

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

Even the Minister
Is concerned about famous Harry Potter
So what if they worry?
Let others care about
Famous Harry Potter's safety

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

You're just like your father
He didn't set much store by rules either
He was so arrogant
Strutting around the school because
Of a little talent

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

You do what you want to do
Like sneaking out of the school
Harry Potter thinks he is above the rules

A filk by Gail to the tune The Word by the Beatles

HARRY:
Speak the name and you'll be free
Speak the name and be like me
Speak the name they all abhor
And the name is Voldemort
It's okay, you can say Volde---mort

In the beginning everybody said,
"Don't speak the name, say 'You-Know-Who' instead
Don't speak the name, we wouldn't dare
Don't speak the name, we are too scared
Don't speak the name, any more
It's the name of Voldemort
Don't say it, we hate it
Volde---mort"

Dumbledore, he said something wise
Ever since then I knew it was alright
Speak the name and do not fear
Speak the name loud and clear
Speak the name like Dumbledore
And the name is Voldemort
It's okay, you can say Volde---mort

"Fear of a name increases fear
Of the thing itself," he made it clear
Always use the proper name
You don't have to play that game
I speak the name just as before
And the name is Voldemort
It's okay, you can say Volde---mort

Say Volde---mort, say Volde---mort
Say Volde---mort, say Volde---mort

A filk by ewe2 to the tune of What Goes On

What goes on in Hagrid's head?
What's that growling from his shed?
Does he really think we care
For the Doxies in the air?
Maybe Hagrid's not all there...

The other day we went to class for Hagrid's big surprise
But Blast-End Skrewts exploding were not what we had in mind
Does he think the risk to students isn't so?
I don't know...

What goes on in Hagrid's mind?
Are there worse beasties to find?
Can't he take those eggs away
I'm afraid they'll hatch today
Not sure Hagrid's quite OK

A Hippogriff's ok if you're polite and take a bow
But Basilisks are nasty and I'm sure he's got one now
Just be careful not to look it in the eye
I know why...

What goes on in Hagrid's head?

nervous solo

We used to think that Hagrid was a stout and steady chap
But that's before we found a baby dragon on his lap
And his half-giant brother Grawp is throwing trees
Hagrid PLEASE!

What goes on in Hagrid's head?
We would like not to be dead
Acromantula's are bad
He's the only friend it had
I think Hagrid's barking mad

Really mad...
Off his perch...

A filk by Gail to the tune of Girl

Note: During the bridge, the "Didididi" part sung in the background...that's Quirrell stuttering.

There was once a brilliant young man who had a stutter
He was a professor at Hogwarts
He was always afraid and they thought
He was a nutter
Teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts
Ah, Quirrell! Quirrell

When Harry thought that Professor Snape was the person
Trying to get the Stone, he was so sure
But all along it was Quirrell 'cause
Underneath Quirrell's turban
He concealed the Dark Lord Voldemort
Ah, Quirrell! Quirrell!

All the students there thought that his class
Was just a joke, the poor fellow
(Didididi....)
What his students didn't know
His stutter, it was just a show
Oh no! Oh! Oh! Ohhhhh!
Quirrell! Quirrell

He was told by Voldemort that there's
No good or evil
And Quirrell did believe him when he said
There is only power and those to weak to seek it, but still
What did he think when he was left for dead?
Ah, Quirrell!
Quirrell!

Quirrell!

A paean by Amy Z to the Hogwarts ghosts, to the tune of I'm Looking Through You

HARRY, HERMIONE, and RON, at Nearly Headless Nick's Deathday Party, raise a glass to toast their ghostly host:

TRIO
Here's looking through you
Tonight's your night
We'll tell Sir Patrick
That you're a fright
After half a millennium, you still look fab
Too bad your head wasn't left on the slab

MYRTLE appears

HERMIONE:
You're looking lovely

(sotto voce)
Though your skin's not clear
You float above me
Grumbling in my ear

to HARRY and RON:
She's a member of the ungrateful dead If only she'd been turned to stone instead!

(to PEEVES:)
Why, tell me why did you tell her my diss?
Now where am I to go to when I need to take a piss?

CUT TO CS chapter 11. Nick is floating immobile and horizontal next to a petrified Justin

HARRY:
I'm looking through you
Post Tom-attack
You're in a stew, you
`re seriously black
We didn't know that one could croak
Twice in one lifetime and fill with smoke.

STUDENTS to HARRY:
Why are you at this school, for goodness sakes?
We should stay far away from anyone who talks to snakes

We're looking through you
Suddenly aware:
Ol' You Know Who-oo
Knew you were the Heir
You were a hero, but now you've changed
We're looking through you, you're not the same

Harry, you've changed! etc. and fade out

A filk by ewe2 to the tune of In My Life by the Beatles

HERMIONE:
There's a boy named Ron I favour
In my heart, i do despair
There are times I almost waver
For his head it seems is filled with air

Why are boys so uniformly stupid?
And why do I do his homework for him?
He never stops explaining Quidditch to me
In my heart, I'm sweet on him.

But of all the boys at Hogwarts
There is noone else, I should be glad
Though my girlfriends show me pity
I hear murmurs of "she must be mad!"

Though I know I'll never understand him
His fondness for things I quite despise
I know I cannot help myself around him
In my heart, I know he tries

pause for clever keyboard solo by willing pixie

Yes he's got a thing for wizard chess and dungbombs,
He never listens (ha), I make it known
I'm sure one day he'll have to do his homework
In my heart, I love him so

In my-y-y heart, I love him sooooo....

A filk by Gail to the tune of Wait

HARRY:
Gliding on cold stone
Alone, flat on the floor
My eyes could then scan
A man guarding the door
Snake! The man sat in the dim light
I controlled my urge to bite

But then the man stirred
He heard! To his feet, flew
How did he respond?
His wand he quickly drew
Snake! I coiled up and swiftly sprang
And attacked with my large fangs

I bit him thrice
My aim, precise
And in his flesh
His fresh blood I could taste
He yelled in pain
But was not slain
I woke again
And had to act in haste

My roommates stood there
Were scared, at my bedside
"It wasn't a dream
It seemed too real," I cried
"Snake! Mr. Weasley needs our aid
Or he'll die," I said, afraid

"McGonagall
We need to tell
Dumbledore that
Down at the Ministry
Trouble occurred."
When D'dore heard
He then conjured
For us a quick Portkey

Now at Grimmauld Place
We pace, worried all night
There's nothing to say
I pray he is all right

A filk by Gail to the tune of If I Needed Someone

THE SCENE: Harry is in the library the evening before the second task, searching for a spell that will help him.

HARRY:
Buried among dusty volumes
Looking for a spell or else I'm doomed
Please let me find something

Need somehow to get the power
To breathe underwater for an hour
Please let me find something
How could I have let this happen?
Why hadn't I started sooner?
Can't believe now I'm in deep trouble

My two friends were helping out
But now I'll have to continue without...
Please let me find something
Ah, ah, ah, ah

Take another book off the shelf
I just guess I'll have to look myself
Please let me find something
How could I have let this happen?
Why hadn't I started sooner?
Can't believe now I'm in deep trouble

Still haven't found anything
Searching through books at two in the morning
Maybe in the next one....
Ah, ah

To the tune of Run For Your Life

THE SCENE: The base of the Great Tower. HARRY recovers the locket from Dumbledore's body

"Automatically, without really thinking about what he was doing, Harry pulled out the fragment of sheet music, opened it, and sang by the light of the many wands that had now been lit behind him……"

"Well I got past all your dead, Riddle Lord
And I learned how to float your boat
You oughta be filled with dread, Riddle Lord
As you read how much I'll gloat

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"Well I know that you're a wicked guy
And you will kill with an ill intent
Though I might lose my poor life,
Dying's worth it to make you lament

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"All your DE vermin
Won't suffice to save your soul
Voldy, you'll be squirmin'
When you learn what I have stole

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord

"Well I got past all your dead, Riddle Lord
And your Horcrux I will destroy
You oughta be filled with dread, Riddle Lord
Just as I am filled with joy

"I've gotten one of your lives from the cave, Riddle Lord
A Horcrux you can't save, Riddle Lord
14% toward your grave
And your end - Riddle Lord
R. A.B.
R. A.B.
R. A.B.
R. A.B.……"